Adding Value to Others

After going over preparations for an upcoming conference I am speaking at, I was left contemplating what my process has been when these events transpire.  My initial recollection went quickly to the first time I was asked to speak and I can recall doing a lot of preparation and nervously getting through the material, while hoping I did not bore anyone or see anyone falling asleep in front of me.  I can laugh about that now, however, I still get a rush of butterflies right before I begin and then I decide that whatever comes out of my mouth will be a surprise to the audience along with myself.   I know that this may sound unconventional for many, however, what I can rely upon are my life experiences which I can recall in any given situation.  As a result, I would like to believe that I can add value to a discussion topic when given the opportunity.  However, if you were to ask me about the topics or stories I discussed, I would not be able to tell you.  The reason is, as soon as my discussion was completed, I let it all go.  The release of that is my version of a natural high as the energy which is needed to get through a presentation transforms me in the process.  My ultimate hope in all of these occasions is that I am able to connect to folks in an audience, who will ultimately get my message.  When I think back to myself attending conferences or seminars as a younger person, it was easier to retain information which had both a personal and professional aspect to the subject matter.  Hence, I have always remembered those experiences and through the course of my career, I write and present material when given the opportunity with both of these things in mind.  Finding my voice to speak from took some time, as I tried different ways to address an audience.  What I learned early on was that flash cards or notes on paper in front of me made me lose my place in connecting, because I was busy looking down and reading.  I know that this works well for many speakers, however, what I came to realize in my delivery was that I needed to tell a short story which was relatable.  In doing so, I could see people laughing or nodding their head along with me, through my telling of some of my stumbles through the course of my life.  I learned similarly that a moment of a story which I heard or read about, had the same impetus for me to want to address it via a column in which I dived into it further. My process appears to take longer at times due to ongoing editing which is needed, before I can publish something that I feel comfortable with.  I also looked back at some old posts and immediately wanted to edit archived articles, because I saw something else, I needed to change.  However, I did stop myself from doing that and have embraced self-forgiveness in this writing process, as I know I am far from being perfect and the core message still remains.  I have learned from writing along with reading other blogs, that there is a sense of community of people outside our immediate circles, which may have similar thoughts and interests that generate contemplation as we go about our daily lives.  Because I have been enhanced by so many others, including great authors on various subjects, I too share with them the need to give back.  From John Maxwell, one of my favorite authors, I learned this topic about adding value to others.  Whether it is with some form of life advice or through the retelling of a story which someone may not have heard, we can share and possibly enhance someone's life in the process.  Even if it were for just a few minutes, we can have a great impact on others in leading a more fulfilled existence.  I constantly look for material that inspires me or nurtures my own life in a certain way.  This is what I attempt to accomplish when putting words on this medium, to connect with others who I may not see or hear from on a consistent basis, yet, I know they are out there.  Therefore, remember to follow what you are most passionate about.  When doing an activity which does not feel like work or a struggle to complete, you will realize that you have a passion for something and you may find like-minded people around you who share in your experience.  Always look forward to learning something new, as we all are lifelong learners until we conclude our journey on this earth.  Practice having gratitude for all things big and small.  Remember to give back along the way and when you notice someone who needs some help, lend them a hand.   All of us can recall someone who may have done this for us throughout our lives, so think about paying it forward.  I hope your journey continues to be filled with great experiences, as you find like-minded people who may be part of your circle of support and that you continue to add value to everyone around you in the process.    

Finding True Joy

I recently went for a walk up the hill from where I live, which got off to a rocky start because I had an excuse of not having enough time for it.  However, once I got going my head cleared up and then enjoyed the beautiful nature landscapes around me, while reminiscing about where I was when I heard an old song playing on my music application.  As I was headed back down, I could see a man walking closer towards me and as he passed by me, I said good morning and he smiled as he walked on.  The man looked a bit tired and was carrying a large black plastic bag which I figured had his belongings in it.  I then paused a bit and looked back as I watched him continue walking up that hill and I wished that he had a blessed day.  As I continued on my way home, I contemplated how I was reluctant to go on this walk and it was all for my own better health.  Unlike the person who walked by me and appeared to be walking out of necessity.  It is a moment like this that always makes me count all of my blessings, no matter how small I think they may be.  All of us can easily forget how much we have to be thankful for and all it takes is a quick look around our own surroundings to realize that other people would love to have our life.  I also thought about the devastation occurring in Ukraine and how the people are being forced out of their homes and country, while travesties are being committed around them.  When I saw a picture of Poland and the train stations awaiting refugees with several donated strollers placed there for babies who may need them, it also warmed my heart to think that in the most difficult times there are people who continue to do good things for others.  I know that the news of the world can be tough to absorb, especially when the focus is on what is going wrong, however, I hope that you fine tune your personal filter to what may be going right around you.  I believe it is the only way that we can make some balanced sense of what our lives are filled with.  Also, we must remember the great heart-warming examples such as those people in Poland and to do good for others, even if it may seem like a very small effort.  Many of us know of folks in or around our inner circle that could use some help in one way or another.  Think about how you could be a blessing to others and remove yourself as the focal point, even if for just one day.  You will see how quickly that shifting of focus can brighten up your perspective and almost immediately bring to mind how much good that is already part of your life.  Note that small efforts can add up quickly and the result at the end of a short time period, can paint a different picture of what truly is valuable in your life.  Hence, when making a list of your to-do things for the day or as you are planning for the weekend ahead, add in there one thing that you could do to help someone else.   Perhaps you can randomly pay for someone's cup of coffee at your favorite beverage place, pick up a tab at a drive through for the person behind you or donate a small amount of money to a favorite charity/cause.   You can also donate some of your time to something you find meaning in, as it all is so worth it!  As much fun as planned festive events may bring you, I guarantee that your heart will feel much fuller along with a greater sense of joy, when you begin to take inventory of all the things that you could do to make others a priority.  I wish you much success in your efforts to brighten up someone else's day and I trust that your greater sense of joy will be growing exponentially as a result. 

“Spread kindness, caring, and compassion and create your own paradise. Infuse it with joy and you’ve created heaven on earth.”- Amy Leigh Mercree

You Deserve What You Dream

I have written previously about how much I enjoy looking forward to new seasons, so I decided to dive into this through a different lens which new beginnings as in the New Year bring to mind.  In order to get there, I need to take you back many years ago when I was living in San Diego and I recall listening to an Argentinian musician named Gustavo Cerati.  He was very famous all over the world, but in particular Latin America.  He had much success with a band called Soda Stereo, with lots of hits prior to his venturing into his successful solo career.  I forget which of my friends at the time had told me about him, however, I remember listening to his music on my drives to work.  He had one song that I played over and over, titled "Beautiful" which had a verse that I loved, "You Deserve What You Dream".  That song continues to play in my mind as I think about this edition of my column and in case you look it up it “Beautiful” is sung in Spanish.  Fast forward to the present, as I thought about how we wish people well prior to the holidays along with a safe and happy season.  We continue with our regards for the New Year in various different forms, whether they are through hugs, calls or even texts.  However, imagine if someone wished that you deserve what you dream in this New Year.  For me, it takes well wishes to another level, if someone without knowing what our dreams are, were to express that we deserve them no matter what.  I think of this almost as an extension of unconditional love, similar to parents who desire the absolute best for their kids. Many of you have dreams for a brighter future which can encompass a new job, relationship or a change in your lifestyle.   Perhaps the universally dreaded thought about the need to lose weight, which I have countless memories of, are at the top of your list.  We have all been there and depending on your age, some of the lifestyle changes become even more of a focal point as one gets older.  The thought of deserving what you dream may initially sound a bit selfish, as very few people have walked in our shoes to make a determination if we are worthy or not.  However, without hesitation I believe that you deserve all of it, because it was important enough for you to speak that truth into existence.  I also know that dreams forming into reality can take some time, however, one should never lose their belief.  We have countless examples of successful people all over the world who had dreams and were able to manifest them at some point in their lives.  My suggestion would be for you to be clear and specific about what you want for yourself, so there is no ambiguity about the complete vision you have.  Remember it is your dream, so as the author, you can choose to make edits or changes as needed.  The bottom line is that you continue to have big dreams and small one's as well, which can bring you another level of personal fulfillment and happiness in the future.  All of you are worthy and deserving of everything that you want for your life.  Count me in as one of your biggest supporters as I look forward to hearing about dreams being fulfilled amongst you.  I also send you virtual New Year’s hugs, as we sail forward on the 2022 ship that has now left the dock.

    “You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.

I hope someday you'll join us. And the world will live as one.”

― John Lennon

Connection

I recently returned from a couple of trips that enabled me to see and visit with family along with friends, which had been non-existent for me in the last couple of years.  First a family wedding, which is always a lot of fun and great to see a cousin of mine happily married to another great individual, all while being witnessed by those closest to them.  We laughed, hugged and my mom in particular danced so much that one of the flower girls went up to her and told her "you are killing it!"  The post drive back home across the Arizona desert made me contemplate how connected we are through our families.   As we grow older and move further away from each other among our close family members, it is refreshing that we still maintain a connection that goes back to when we were all children, buzzing about at each other's houses playing outside and laughing until our mother's told us to stop or come inside.  We may have missed the births of new children due to distance or some of the graduations because it was difficult to travel far, however, we have never lost the sense of presence that we have for each other which I am so grateful for.   Upon arriving back to my mom's home, we then prepared for and embarked on a second celebration for her birthday, which again brought more cousins that did not travel to the week's prior wedding, along with many more extended family folks.  To be able to see and speak to them, hug and laugh if only for a short period of time, made it all worthwhile.  Then as I packed up one more time and headed back to my own home, I continued to contemplate our connection to many people in this world from the time we are born until we reach our golden years.  As children I can remember the first time I went to school with a sense of nervousness as I sat in a small desk and waited to see who would end up sitting next to me.  The concept of friends when you are small is not very clear and most of us just want someone to talk to on our own level, as we begin the navigation of social interactions with new people that are not from our own households.  I remember sitting in that classroom and not wanting to say much and then came a moment at recess when you were pushed out into the playground as you joined a small group with similar interests in playing a game or going to the swing set.  When I got home, I don't recall having a conversation with my grandmother who was waiting for me about my day at school, she was more concerned about me eating something and preparing some of her home made food to keep me growing strong, as she put it in her own words in Spanish.  I also remember her warming up a tortilla and if she left it on the stove too long and it burned a bit, she would tell me that it would be good for my memory that way.  I can now laugh about all of that as our relationship went far beyond grandmother, chef and caretaking.  I then shifted my thoughts to myself as a grown adult and how my circle of people around me has changed over the years as well.  My ties to my small handful of friends when I was young, grew as a result of attending college away from home through my 20's and 30's.  As I moved away from that group due to work opportunities in other geographic areas, I had to associate with new folks in my new home as well.  The most interesting thing in traveling back and forth through time with those that I feel the most attached to, is that at my current stage of life I am most close to my high school and elementary school friends, after reconnecting with several of them in recent years.  I sometimes wonder about why we were not closer when we were younger, however, I so appreciate that we can all laugh and cheer each other on as we continue to navigate through our current stages of life.   What I always end up with is a very large amount of gratitude in my heart for having these close people in my life and most especially that I still have this group of folks who continue to be my cheerleaders and best supporters no matter what I am in the midst of doing.  My hope for all of you is that you continue to nurture your own circle of support.  When you get invited to a birthday, wedding, or other special event rather than think of an excuse of why you cannot go, make it a point to show up and be present.  You will be re-energized by the love and affection from those that care most about you and as you grow older, you will also learn to appreciate that we get less opportunities to celebrate in gatherings like this.  Enjoy the company, laughter and reminisce with those that mean the most to you and you will in-turn give new vitality and life to your circle that continues to be there for you through thick and thin.   

Reset Button

As the kids are finally out of school for the summer and a designated break is now in session, many families are planning for a trip of some type which will create new memories that everyone can look back upon. Never mind that we are just emerging from a pandemic, which changed the world for all of us and in the midst of it, we were given the opportunity to re-evaluate our priorities.  I noticed among my own inner circle of folks that as much as everyone wants to get out and do something away from home, there are plans among many of them to re-connect with family and friends, some of which they have not seen for well over a year.  One of the things I do appreciate most about social media is that I can go on a journey with someone on their trip and feel the emotions through pictures of the places or people they are connecting with.  I have also been able to keep up with the growing number of family members as I see what used to be little nieces and nephews, who are now becoming adults and coming into their own as grown-ups from a distance.  Whether we are able to witness things in person or from afar, it is something to be thankful for that we are still alive and able to have these new experiences.  I have also not lost sight of the fact that during the worst part of the pandemic, we either lost people in our own families or knew of others who did, which caused much grief that still lingers today.  From being on lockdown, so to speak, I also came to appreciate some of the simple items related to catching up with someone face-to-face.  There are so many instances these days where people seem to have the least amount of time, which contributes to less family dinners and even less direct human connection.  As a result, we can all now appreciate being able to hug someone and look at them straight in the eye, while having a conversation which may have been interrupted over the course of a year and half or so.   Just recently, I had pictures from friends traveling in Mexico City as they explored the majestic pyramids and family members on an adventure in Lake Tahoe.  In addition, I had the privilege of catching up for a fun dinner with two very close friends, which brought some much-needed laughter and hugs at the end.  I thought about the new appreciation that I now have for things like this, which I previously took for granted. Our reset buttons have all been pressed, whether we liked it or not and we all can approach things differently as a result.  I know that many of us hope to not go through anything else like this in the rest of our lifetimes, however, I hope we all learn to appreciate the gift of what this button has done.  As many of you plan for a family get away somewhere soon, I hope that you are thoughtful and calculated in enjoying the luxury of having the ability to do so, especially when others are still not able to.  Therefore, plan with great ambition and experience new sights and sounds, as you add to the collection of wonderful memories which may have been on hold.  Remember that the opportunity to re-engage in many of life's great experiences are all a gift which we should all continue to be grateful for, as many of us re-acclimate to a different world now with a new regenerated perspective.       

“Change your thoughts and you can change your world.”
― Norman Vincent Peale

Beautiful Scars

I was watching an interview a few weeks ago with a famous back-up singer, who spoke about a tragic accident later in her life that caused her to lose two legs.  Merry Clayton sang famously with the Rolling Stones and went on to many other acclaimed back up performances along with a career on her own that also included stints on film.  In the interview, she explained that when awaking from several surgeries after her accident in 2014, her doctor had to advise her that her legs had been amputated due to the severe nature of the injuries.  Her response was simple, "what about my voice"?  The surgeon quickly explained that there was no issue with her vocal chords and her voice was fine.  She then commented that this was her gift and as long as she still had that, she would be alright.  I thought about her powerful response to such a traumatic event and could not help but feel her strength, courage and light that emanated from her.  These types of interviews propel much personal reflection for me, especially since I am a huge fan of human testimonies which can transform others through their telling.  How many of us have endured something tragic and as helpless as we felt, were able to get up the next day with the strength needed to get through and slowly overcome that deep difficulty?  I am sure volumes of books could be written after scouring the world to find the many gold nuggets of stories from everyday heroes that may not have seen the limelight.  If you are a child of immigrants, like I am, that alone evokes many examples of what my family members endured in order to come to this country to seek a better life.  Although I heard of some stories in particular from my grandmother growing up, I know that there were many more that were probably not shared because they were too painful or perhaps felt that they were not important enough to tell.  I always asked many questions of my grandmother when she was in a story telling mood. A piece of one that I remember quite vividly, was that in the hot summer months while living in Mexicali, Mexico across the U.S. border, she would come home from work at night to a small room with no fan or even more unimaginable then...air conditioning.  The weather at night cooled down to the high 90 degrees and she would get her bed sheet and dampen it with water to cover herself up and feel a bit cooler.  I think about that story every now and then, especially when I want to complain in the summer that it is too hot outside.  I remind myself that I not only have more than one fan in my house, I can set my thermostat to 70 degrees if I wanted.  Because of those who came before me, I am living a much better life with very little to complain about in the grand scheme of things.  My other thoughts from inspiring stories such as Ms. Clayton's when they mention gifts, is that I also remind myself to nurture the gifts that I have and to share as much as I can with those that can use a helping hand.  Sometimes, helping is not a personal physical act and other times it can be.  The main point is that the act of doing for others helps you remember what your gifts are and also provides for a shot of adrenaline that could do more for you than any energy drink.  The final item I will leave you with is what Ms. Clayton said about the scars she bears from her accident.  For her, she felt that those scars were beautiful because they will always remind her of the grace she was given to get through a difficult part of her life.  My ending thought to myself was that I too should be proud of all of the scars I carry whether visible or not. They help remind me of everything I have endured in my own life, as I too have been given grace on many occasions, without necessarily feeling that I deserved it.  I hope that you think of your own scars as badges of honor too, so that when given the opportunity you can share with others how you were able to overcome and grow to be the person that you see looking back at you in the mirror today.   Remember that all of the scars attributable to your life are beautiful too!   

        "Scars. A sign that you had been hurt. 

A sign that you had healed.”
       

― Benjamin Alire Sáenz

Forgiveness

A few weeks ago, I was following a discussion online about the topic of forgiveness and although it is a topic that I periodically see come up, I realized that I had not yet directly written about it in my own column.  My first thoughts were that this is not an easy subject for many people, because everyone who has had to contend with this in their lives may have wounds of varying depths and degrees.  I remember when I was in high school and Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD), had become an influential organization.   It was created out of the necessity for mothers to bond and feel that their child's life had not been taken in vain, while finding a purpose in this type of tragedy as they tried to prevent future heartbreaking losses.  Fast forward to today and there a number of other such worthy organizations which focus on saving lives and helping others by sharing the experience of a personal pain.  Along these lines, I recalled watching a news special on one of the evenings shows several years ago, when a mother had a face-to-face discussion with the person that took her son's life as a result of a crime.  The mother who listened to the individual personally apologize for what he did, took courage to a whole new level.  In addition, that inmate who decided he wanted to face this person that he had caused so much pain to, was equally valiant.  You can certainly say that both of them were in need of healing in their lives and the boldness to face each other was among the hardest things they have had to endure.  I remember the mother at the end of that conversation with tears in her eyes, told that individual that she had to forgive him because she believed in a God that expected nothing less of her.  It was a mesmerizing and touching moment to see and you could almost feel the weight of this great tragedy begin to lift from both of these people after they concluded their conversation.  I have also met people over the years who carried resentment and un-forgiveness towards someone that caused them pain, yet, were still not willing to make peace with them.  The energy that it took to carry such ongoing mental weight in my view, continued to prevent them from mending something that was broken inside of them.  However, until we have experienced something significant of this nature ourselves, it may be difficult to understand what someone else's heartache feels like.  The one thing I know for sure is that it takes a lot of stamina to continue to hold on to negative feelings, while conditioning oneself to purposefully recall anger or resentment on an ongoing basis.  The best advice I ever saw written in a short sentence regarding forgiveness, was that it is needed for you to heal and not necessarily for the person that caused the pain.  I could certainly write a lot more about what I have witnessed related to this topic, however, my purpose is to bring people closer in some way to finding that relief which many may be seeking.  Another saying that sticks out for me related to this topic, is that everyone has a personal story which can break your heart.  These I am sure were born of tragic circumstances which changed the course of people’s lives.  The hardest part is always how one picks up the pieces of something that was broken and begins putting things back in their rightful place.  My deepest hope is that for those who may be contending with this issue, that they find a way to forgive in order to move forward towards a form of curative recovery.  Remember forgiving does not mean forgetting, however, in time you will see that if you can bring yourself to this place, you may find it harder to remember the pain which was caused and why you chose to hold on to it for so long.  My other best advice, is to tell your story to others who may need to hear it.  You could the best example to show people they are not alone and to see what forgiveness can look like personified in others. ☮

“True forgiveness is when you can say, "Thank you for that experience.”

― Oprah Winfrey