What We Deserve

I was watching a movie that I had not seen in a few years and as I remembered some of the scenes that were playing out, I had to stop after hearing a line from one of the characters that I couldn’t recall. The person stated, “we accept the love we think we deserve”. This made me pause as I reflected for several minutes about what they were saying. It was a teacher speaking to a student and he went on to explain further. To him it meant that people tend to end up in relationships where they are treated as well or as poorly as they believe they merit. If someone thinks they are undeserving of real love and affection, they may accept a toxic or abusive partner instead. The quote suggests we must believe we deserve goodness before we can have it. This was quite deep and yet, as I thought about the first time I possibly heard about love, as a very young person I did not have any sense of fully describing what that meant to me. That is because there are no biases or other learned behavior due to having that pure innocence that slowly starts peeling away from us in layers as we get older. It further made me think about the things that we believe we deserve beyond the feeling of love, affection or other emotional connections. How often do we ask ourselves about what we deserve and then follow it up with why haven’t we received that yet?  I suspect that as an adult with lots of learned behavior which comes through life’s experiences, we get to these instances where we take inventory of what we have achieved and look at what other things we believe we still can add to our list of accomplishments. Having self-awareness of oneself is quite helpful to quickly assess what are our attributes that can still help us achieve our next conquest. In addition, we can also look at any of our areas of improvement that may still need some work to help add more polish to us. Whether you aspire to obtain a new job, seek to finally lose the weight you have spoken about or perhaps want to achieve a different level of financial freedom, there is always some work to be done in order to accomplish any of it. Also, if you grew up without a lot of reinforcement about your self-esteem, self-worth or lacked nurturing, take the time to unpack some of this if it still exists within you. What I have learned throughout my life, is that there are multitudes of stories that I have been a witness to, where some folks had to grow up more quickly than others. Due to the home circumstances that were not ideal for some growing children, this could definitely have created some lack of self-esteem as part of that effect. Therefore, the beginning was lacking of many things including loving support for some. When we get to adulthood is where we finally get to choose how we are going to live the next part of our life, while we can also decide to let go of some of that baggage that doesn’t serve a positive purpose. Most of what I have witnessed, was people choosing to live as survivors and not victims of any of what they encountered as children. The great part about making decisions as an adult, is that you do not have to repeat what you experienced as a young person, especially if it was a negative incident. Choosing to live out the rest of your life with a new perspective, filled with positive plans on your next potential achievements breathes new life into us and gives us a new meaningful purpose as we set afoot on these new ventures that now await us. I hope that you all feel that you deserve better and that you continue to work towards achieving your next goal whatever that may be. In doing so, remember to share your experiences with others so that we can help our counterparts grow via what we have already experienced and hopefully, we also can prevent others from making any decisions that may have negative consequences as well, by utilizing us as living examples. 

“Having patience always gives you what you deserve.”

― Fatma Alfalasi

Milestone Moments

When you think about the many different chapters in our lives, one can quickly reminisce about those that brought us much joy and how for a period of time, we did not want to turn the page and close that chapter. Those instances that were filled with much growth, happiness and fulfillment live on with us well after that segment closed and we hope to revisit another one similar to that in the future. The joyful milestone moments that were created, provided us with many smiles that can quickly take us back to that euphoric feeling where we radiated in that light which felt positive and full of energy. When I recall those joyful periods, they were filled with new beginnings, perhaps a new birth of a baby or the formation of a new relationship that added considerable value to us. I recall the feeling when I graduated from high school and knowing I had been accepted to a college in the fall, which provided me with so many hopes and dreams. Then graduating from college, was yet another wonderful landmark that was filled with accomplishment, pride and the yearning for what awaited me in the world of work. As the oldest of five siblings, I can vividly recall the births of all my brothers and sisters and how the family was abuzz with the addition of a newborn to our expanding family. Also, the day that I was able to buy my first car was a thrill and driving for a common errand became exhilarating, as I recall the new car smell when getting into it. The purchase of a home was also filled with much apprehension in the time it took to find the right place and all of that paperwork with banks, loan agents and title companies that was hard to understand, yet provided me with a huge smile from ear to ear when it was completed. I am sure many of you can think of many other examples that would fit into this arena. For me, one of the newest milestones is getting to the conclusion of a career that I have loved for so long, even through all of its ups and downs over the course of time. Recently, I arrived at this decision as I told people that I kept hearing the whispers from God, in particular in the middle of the night and they kept getting louder and louder. I have been contemplating what this would be like for many years before, however, getting to the reality of the moment was a different feeling. When I look back at what I was able to accomplish, I can find similar milestones in that timeline that provide me with more opportunities to beam at what was done through the course of hard work and dedication. It made me think about the legacy that I leave behind and again how proud I am of those who will continue on with the great work ahead. This coming July after attaining 34 years of state service this past month, I plan to retire.  Although the decision was a long time in coming, I truly feel a sense of a different happiness in knowing that I was given the privilege to arrive at this stage. There are many friends and work family colleagues that were made over this span of time that I have been working and I always thought that this chapter was so far down the road. Yet, here I am and completely filled with much gratitude for the opportunity to have served in different capacities helping the many people in need through out the communities that we served.  I believe that the processing of all of this will still need more time and there is another smile that comes to my face in knowing that although I loved this chapter, the story is not over. New ventures await me and with that some quality time spent with my family as we get to explore new places with a bit less apprehension in knowing that I don’t have to rush to go back to work at the conclusion. There are so many of you out there that have been part of my journey and I am completely grateful for all of the wonderful people that have crossed my path over the years. I am forever appreciative of the many instances where we got to exchange thoughts, ideas, conversations and laughter as well. With that said, I would like to say “Gracias” to all of you who were part of my journey. I look forward with great anticipation as the next chapter evolves and the new writing of it begins with the next steps after this conclusion.  I continue to wish everyone of you much happiness, joy, laughter along with ongoing health, so that we can continue to see each other down the road.  

“We have reached milestones that are far beyond what I expected.”

-J-Hope

The Essence of Resilience

In writing this column, I am doing so while I am still hearing updates on the news about the devastating fires that have caused catastrophic damage and loss to the Los Angeles area. I have watched countless images, videos and other testimonials on television and via social media about the impact of all of this to so many people and their families. It is scary to think that in my own neighborhood I was under fire evacuation orders many years ago due to wildfires that caused much destruction where I live as well. I have vivid memories of not sleeping that entire night as I sat watching the news on television, with packed photo albums, insurance paperwork, some clothes and food along with a couple of toys for my Siamese cat Diego.  Thankfully, we were lucky to have survived without any damage to us, however, driving up from my house over the next several days was very somber when I saw first-hand how many homes were randomly destroyed.  I also saw Sam Champion reporting for ABC news from New York on a corner in the neighborhood and it all felt very surreal. Hence, I feel the weight of the ongoing losses every time I get an update. As all of this plays in my mind, I saw a quote from the actor Keanu Reeves who was speaking on what resilience meant to him. Part of his quote stated, “Don’t define yourself by what you lost, but by what you do with what’s left”. This made me think even longer about the many individuals who have had to contend with the aftermath of a catastrophe and how they managed to get up the next day and put one foot in front of the other, as they began their long road to recovery. The scars of those experiences also remain with us for what can be a lifetime, however, how we use what we learned from it becomes part of our life’s lesson that we can one day share with someone else. Moving forward is never easy for anybody; however, it is one of the few alternatives that we have left after processing what just transpired. One doesn’t have to think very hard when you look at what is occurring in the world when you hear of damaging consequences to others as a result of a life changing incident. What I look for in all of these stories are the kernels of hope that are sprinkled throughout a difficult story, which feature how others helped in a time of need. Those individuals that become the heroes of these occurrences, are what continue to give us hope and remind us that good people do exist and lending a hand when there is a need can provide more transformative energy than the destruction caused by it. In our own families, I am sure that you can recall someone who was a vivid example of helping a neighbor, family member or friend. My grandmother was and still is one of my biggest inspirations, as I recall that although she didn’t have much, she was so generous in many different ways. If you came to her house around any of the meal times, she always had enough food to offer someone and would insist on ensuring that they ate something before leaving her house. She carried lots of change in her purse and if she ran into someone asking for money, she never hesitated to hand some of that out unconditionally.  I firmly believe that many us don’t have to look too far in our own families to find great examples of this type of generous behavior. Hence, as we continue to process hardships around us, remember you get to have the last word in how you pick up the pieces afterwards. My hope is that all of you show the world what true resilience can look like in the next steps of recovering from a setback and that in the process you become the living example to our next generation who are looking at us. Thank you to the many first responders, firefighters, volunteers and all of the people that put themselves in the middle of harm’s way to help someone in need. They are the living examples of heroes and sheroes that walk amongst us.   

“The key to life is resilience…We will always be knocked down.

It’s the getting up that counts.”

-Dominique Browning

 

Who Are You Becoming?

I was working on a different column several days ago, when I received an update from Instagram from a renowned speaker who is an educator that I follow.  I got to see him first hand as a keynote speaker at a national educator’s convention a few months ago. His name is George Couros and although I had never heard of him prior to attending his session, he was a very compelling speaker and his personal story was equally motivational too. The social media post had a quote attached to it, “Your attention needs to be on who you are becoming, rather than who you have been”, by Gary John Bishop. After seeing this, I decided I needed to write a new column and the old one will be finished at a later time. This quote made me think for a couple of days about those words and it took me on a trip through memory lane of my own life.  When I began to think about the who I have been before, I can vividly see different versions of myself.  My younger self was always focused on me and as youth always dictates many of the things I found to be important, were rather superficial as I look back today. I remember high school as an uncomfortable time due to the many things that a teenager goes through and feeling that I did not fit in. Interesting how this feeling is still alive and well today in the lives of youth, so I guess some things don’t change as much universally.  My college self, was also very me oriented, however, it showed me a world that was so different outside of where I was born, along with many interesting people that came from a variety of backgrounds than mine. I learned to appreciate all of the differences that could exist in others and yet in this one educational institution, we could all be the same.  When I started my career after college, it was all work and absorbing everything I could learn in order to be more competitive as I strived to enter into the world of leadership and my constant question to myself was, “how could I make this team even better?”. The answer to this has and always will be that I have to be better myself, in order for my team to want to follow me.  Learning new philosophies about leadership and looking for capacity building opportunities are also never ending. Hence, here we are as I looked through some stages of my past self and still, I struggle with the answer to who am I becoming. Well, I can honestly say that I am still a work in progress, however, wisdom has allowed me to make more calculated decisions about the next version of myself.  My priorities have definitely changed and what has impacted them have been my ability to see others around me grow and become better versions of themselves, that I aspire to further professional growth too. The fact that age shows us how important health and peace of mind are for instance can create a great source of personal joy with lasting benefits. Also, the enjoyment of simple things such as a get together with close friends that you haven’t seen in a while, while laughing so hard that you begin to run out of breath, are among my favorite past times in my world today. I will leave you with this open-ended question, as you can mull over the answer that is best for you. In it, I hope you find not only some nostalgic memories of who you once were, in addition, I hope you too are finding that the most important things that matter in your life, you still can have an impact on. I am here to remind you that it is never too late to change, have a different perspective and most importantly find everyday joy when striving to live a purposeful life. You are the captain of your own ship and you can determine when to set new sails for a different direction, if you find that it is needed. Keep challenging yourself to be that better version of you, while giving yourself some grace for any shortcomings that existed in your past.  None of us are perfect, so we all continue to make mistakes periodically.  The key now is to make sure the same mistakes are not repeated and that you continue your due diligence in carving out the path you want to travel, while paying no mind to anyone who disagrees with your plans. Ultimately, we are responsible for our life’s choices and how we proceed as a result, is for us to contend with. I wish you much success as you peel the next layer of who you are becoming and may it bring you much fulfillment in knowing that it will be a great next version of you. 

Coping With a Loss

I received some sad news several days ago, when I was told a dear friend's mother who I was very close to, had passed away unexpectedly.  I took a long pause and a million things went through my mind, as I was processing this.  I immediately went back to when I was in high school when I first met this person when visiting my friend's house after school.  She was always friendly to me and was a great cook, as she was the Registered Dietician for the school district we went to. As a result of this great friendship I had developed, I also got to experience a new culinary world that I was not too familiar with. At home I was very familiar with every type of Mexican dish you could think of, due to my grandmother's touch in our kitchen. However, at my friend's house I was introduced to unique things like tuna casserole, many different tasty Italian dishes and one of the most memorable for me was Beef Wellington.  We certainly did not have this type of variety of meals at my house, so I really felt like I was participating in a gastronomic experience, well before it was a thing as it is today. At the helm of all of this food that I was introduced to, was Eileen, who was my dear friend Joey's mother.  Throughout the years of our friendship, we had countless sit-down dinners and so many other wonderful conversations about life, especially when in high school and what we were going to do after graduation. The years progressed and my friend and his mom relocated to the San Diego area, where our friendship continued after I began attending San Diego State University.  On the weekends, I would go to their home and as a typical starving college student, I cherished our time together because it would also provide me with another great meal that was very different from my cost saving macaroni and cheese dinner that I had to endure for far too long.  Many more memories were made with these great friends, as they were there when I graduated from college and were among the first to cheer me on. I was also present to celebrate great milestone birthday parties and weddings for both her and Joey which brought more new family members into the circle. What I recall fondly is that after a celebration gathering and all the guests were gone, it was usually myself and Eileen sitting at the kitchen table enjoying a final glass of wine, as we contemplated what a great time we just had. My friend Joey would be up in his room playing video games and tending to the family dogs, while I on the other hand enjoyed having an adult conversation and many laughs with Eileen.  All of these memories have been peppering my mind ever since I found out the news of her passing and as I got the email advising me that articles for this newsletter were going to be due soon, I could only think of writing about how all of us have been touched in one way or another by beautiful people along with having to deal with some of their losses as well.  This brought back memories of my other childhood friend who lost his dad when we were both in seventh grade and I recall going to the memorial services, while not quite knowing what to say to my friend, as I too was confused and overwhelmed by the whole ordeal. I know that so many of you out there, have dealt with similar instances of losing loved ones either progressively or suddenly. Then the grieving process comes in many different forms as there are different people on this earth, to make things a bit more complicated.  I have also found that there is no measurement of time that one could look up as a standard, because there isn't any when it comes to how long one grieves.  What we cling to through all of this as we look for some silver lining that hasn't yet made any appearance are countless memories that were etched in our minds and in our hearts that enable us to smile if only for a brief moment.  This is also when our heart feels like it grows a few sizes to help us to absorb the shock, along with a flood of wonderful memories that were attributed to those loving individuals. I always try to remember the instances when we laughed so hard, that we couldn't breathe and how it felt like we had just returned from the gym as a result of our laughter workout.  We will never stop remembering all of those folks who left such an imprint in our lives. As time marches on and we get to some new milestones we pause as we look up and wish that they were still here with us to help us celebrate another beautiful moment.  Some of our losses occurred many years ago and our hearts remind us frequently that the greatness of an individual is not marked by the number of years where they made such an impression on us. Whether it has been a month, a year, five years or many more, there are those few folks that carved a space in our hearts very deeply that we simply can never forget them. I only hope that the reunion to come at a date not determined by me, will provide a great opportunity to see all of them again and our hearts can feel abundantly full, as we celebrate with each other as we once did.    

“We are all the pieces of what we remember. We hold in ourselves the hopes and fears of those who love us. As long as there is love and memory, there is no true loss.” ― Cassandra Clare

 

The Kindness Legacy

There are many inspirational quotes and signs that one can see quite often featuring the act of kindness. I personally enjoy reading all of them, because I use it as a reminder of what I should be doing on a consistent basis. For me kindness can begin with the smallest of actions, such as a simple smile towards another person that one may be crossing paths with. On an early morning a few weeks ago, it was a cloudy and misty start to the day as I was getting into my truck and a lady walked right by me on what appeared to be her morning walk. I stopped and smiled and said good morning to her. She in turn, just kept walking right by me without any response.  As I drove off, I smiled and chuckled to myself as I came up with a couple of excuses for why she didn't reply back. What I have learned over time is that I still have to continue with what I value in this world, like continuing to be kind towards others without having any expectations. Usually, over ninety percent of the time people will respond positively and smile back in those instances. The other levels of kindness can also take many different forms, from donating money towards a worthy cause close to your heart, to the donation of your time in volunteering for an organization or a special effort. All of these examples combined can speak to the possibility of what we would like to define in our lives as a cornerstone of our essential values. It was also no coincidence that as I was writing this, I happened to see an interview on television where a young boy in the south eastern part of the country had been given a dollar by his father for getting good grades in school. He ended up encountering a man who happened to be praying outside a diner early in the morning and the boy thought he was homeless and offered him the dollar. As it turned out, the man was shocked by the young boy's actions and he proceeded to tell him that he was the owner of a sporting goods store, where the alarm had gone off and he came to check on his establishment super early that day. It occurred so early, that he had not paid attention to what clothes he threw on before he left the house. It was a bit of a mismatch of clothing and then he realized that it all added up as how he could have been mistaken for a homeless individual. The man ended up buying the young man breakfast at the diner and when he found out that the only money that boy had he was willing to give to him, it made his heart full. Consequently, he invited his new found friend to a shopping spree at his store and gave him anything he could grab in 45 seconds. The interview ended with both of them smiling and speaking about their new found friendship which ultimately featured how that act of kindness not only brought them together, as they also were able to share the story with the rest of the world. This story brought further validation of the importance of this action and how one never knows how deeply it could touch another person. If you already put this action into practice or are contemplating how you can make some small changes to further enrich your life, I highly recommend you taking those steps towards adding to your kindness legacy. We cannot underestimate its power and while the world is watching to see what is not going right, it is a great counterbalance towards showing that same audience of what is going quite well among everyday folks around us. 

“Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.”
― Mark Twain

Milestones

After the beginning of a New Year, many folks think about the future and attempt to plan what they would like to accomplish in the ensuing time period. I think about this to an extent, however, I like to take a look back to see what was achieved previously for an even greater perspective. By looking at the last 5 and 10 years, I can almost guarantee that personal growth and wisdom has been part of your accompaniment. Part of the inspiration for this column was a news story that captured my attention about six sisters from Brooklyn, NY, who had to overcome many barriers from the beginning of their lives. Their family struggled financially and they were homeless at times. Although they sometimes slept in a car, they all spoke about the fact that they still did their homework and ensured that their education continued to be a priority. Not knowing where you will be sleeping and having the common necessities we take for granted of sleeping in a warm bed and having food on the table, can easily enable us to forget that others yearn for these comforts. For these sisters, despite their circumstances, they were able to overcome all of their adversity and all of them had the exact same lifelong dream of becoming nurses. When the news story caught up to them in present day, all of them already had achieved a masters in nursing degree and they were all finishing specialty programs and training, as they were seeking to achieve their next milestone of entering the world of healthcare. This is what prompted me to begin to think about the different types of breakthroughs that we all achieve over the course of time and we sometimes forget what achievements all of us have had. Just like these six incredible sisters who are the prime example to all of us of not being defined by your circumstances or your past, while keeping your dreams alive and ultimately being able to achieve them. I suggest the walk back in time just for a brief moment to contemplate what once may have been dreams, as you look around where you are today and take stock of those things that you have been able to bring to fruition. For a different perspective, I would also suggest asking some folks in your trusted inner circle to provide you with some feedback of what they believe are some of your successes. I preface this by saying that this exercise is not to be self-centered by any means, just to listen to what others have observed about some of the feats that you have been able to attain, without any bias. When I thought about this, I found that I had minimized some of my own accomplishments as I didn’t think I added the particular importance that was actually associated with them. Ultimately, it is nice to take a deep breath after having revisited some facets of your life knowing that as much as has transpired in prior years, there is still have much to look forward to. As we progress into the ensuing year ahead, be mindful of all that you have been able to realize as you plan for new goals and objectives that may add value to you and those closest around you. Think big and bold as there is no such thing as impossible. For reference, remember the story of the six nurse sisters as you seek to enter into your next phase of a well lived life. Having overcome a difficult beginning to your life, can be the pathway to a different second half of living. When you are able to bask in the milestones that have become a roadmap to what you have achieved thus far, one can still look forward to a great and fulfilling next chapter ahead.

“I look at victory as milestones on a very long highway.”

-Joan Benoit