Who Are You Becoming?

I was working on a different column several days ago, when I received an update from Instagram from a renowned speaker who is an educator that I follow.  I got to see him first hand as a keynote speaker at a national educator’s convention a few months ago. His name is George Couros and although I had never heard of him prior to attending his session, he was a very compelling speaker and his personal story was equally motivational too. The social media post had a quote attached to it, “Your attention needs to be on who you are becoming, rather than who you have been”, by Gary John Bishop. After seeing this, I decided I needed to write a new column and the old one will be finished at a later time. This quote made me think for a couple of days about those words and it took me on a trip through memory lane of my own life.  When I began to think about the who I have been before, I can vividly see different versions of myself.  My younger self was always focused on me and as youth always dictates many of the things I found to be important, were rather superficial as I look back today. I remember high school as an uncomfortable time due to the many things that a teenager goes through and feeling that I did not fit in. Interesting how this feeling is still alive and well today in the lives of youth, so I guess some things don’t change as much universally.  My college self, was also very me oriented, however, it showed me a world that was so different outside of where I was born, along with many interesting people that came from a variety of backgrounds than mine. I learned to appreciate all of the differences that could exist in others and yet in this one educational institution, we could all be the same.  When I started my career after college, it was all work and absorbing everything I could learn in order to be more competitive as I strived to enter into the world of leadership and my constant question to myself was, “how could I make this team even better?”. The answer to this has and always will be that I have to be better myself, in order for my team to want to follow me.  Learning new philosophies about leadership and looking for capacity building opportunities are also never ending. Hence, here we are as I looked through some stages of my past self and still, I struggle with the answer to who am I becoming. Well, I can honestly say that I am still a work in progress, however, wisdom has allowed me to make more calculated decisions about the next version of myself.  My priorities have definitely changed and what has impacted them have been my ability to see others around me grow and become better versions of themselves, that I aspire to further professional growth too. The fact that age shows us how important health and peace of mind are for instance can create a great source of personal joy with lasting benefits. Also, the enjoyment of simple things such as a get together with close friends that you haven’t seen in a while, while laughing so hard that you begin to run out of breath, are among my favorite past times in my world today. I will leave you with this open-ended question, as you can mull over the answer that is best for you. In it, I hope you find not only some nostalgic memories of who you once were, in addition, I hope you too are finding that the most important things that matter in your life, you still can have an impact on. I am here to remind you that it is never too late to change, have a different perspective and most importantly find everyday joy when striving to live a purposeful life. You are the captain of your own ship and you can determine when to set new sails for a different direction, if you find that it is needed. Keep challenging yourself to be that better version of you, while giving yourself some grace for any shortcomings that existed in your past.  None of us are perfect, so we all continue to make mistakes periodically.  The key now is to make sure the same mistakes are not repeated and that you continue your due diligence in carving out the path you want to travel, while paying no mind to anyone who disagrees with your plans. Ultimately, we are responsible for our life’s choices and how we proceed as a result, is for us to contend with. I wish you much success as you peel the next layer of who you are becoming and may it bring you much fulfillment in knowing that it will be a great next version of you. 

Coping With a Loss

I received some sad news several days ago, when I was told a dear friend's mother who I was very close to, had passed away unexpectedly.  I took a long pause and a million things went through my mind, as I was processing this.  I immediately went back to when I was in high school when I first met this person when visiting my friend's house after school.  She was always friendly to me and was a great cook, as she was the Registered Dietician for the school district we went to. As a result of this great friendship I had developed, I also got to experience a new culinary world that I was not too familiar with. At home I was very familiar with every type of Mexican dish you could think of, due to my grandmother's touch in our kitchen. However, at my friend's house I was introduced to unique things like tuna casserole, many different tasty Italian dishes and one of the most memorable for me was Beef Wellington.  We certainly did not have this type of variety of meals at my house, so I really felt like I was participating in a gastronomic experience, well before it was a thing as it is today. At the helm of all of this food that I was introduced to, was Eileen, who was my dear friend Joey's mother.  Throughout the years of our friendship, we had countless sit-down dinners and so many other wonderful conversations about life, especially when in high school and what we were going to do after graduation. The years progressed and my friend and his mom relocated to the San Diego area, where our friendship continued after I began attending San Diego State University.  On the weekends, I would go to their home and as a typical starving college student, I cherished our time together because it would also provide me with another great meal that was very different from my cost saving macaroni and cheese dinner that I had to endure for far too long.  Many more memories were made with these great friends, as they were there when I graduated from college and were among the first to cheer me on. I was also present to celebrate great milestone birthday parties and weddings for both her and Joey which brought more new family members into the circle. What I recall fondly is that after a celebration gathering and all the guests were gone, it was usually myself and Eileen sitting at the kitchen table enjoying a final glass of wine, as we contemplated what a great time we just had. My friend Joey would be up in his room playing video games and tending to the family dogs, while I on the other hand enjoyed having an adult conversation and many laughs with Eileen.  All of these memories have been peppering my mind ever since I found out the news of her passing and as I got the email advising me that articles for this newsletter were going to be due soon, I could only think of writing about how all of us have been touched in one way or another by beautiful people along with having to deal with some of their losses as well.  This brought back memories of my other childhood friend who lost his dad when we were both in seventh grade and I recall going to the memorial services, while not quite knowing what to say to my friend, as I too was confused and overwhelmed by the whole ordeal. I know that so many of you out there, have dealt with similar instances of losing loved ones either progressively or suddenly. Then the grieving process comes in many different forms as there are different people on this earth, to make things a bit more complicated.  I have also found that there is no measurement of time that one could look up as a standard, because there isn't any when it comes to how long one grieves.  What we cling to through all of this as we look for some silver lining that hasn't yet made any appearance are countless memories that were etched in our minds and in our hearts that enable us to smile if only for a brief moment.  This is also when our heart feels like it grows a few sizes to help us to absorb the shock, along with a flood of wonderful memories that were attributed to those loving individuals. I always try to remember the instances when we laughed so hard, that we couldn't breathe and how it felt like we had just returned from the gym as a result of our laughter workout.  We will never stop remembering all of those folks who left such an imprint in our lives. As time marches on and we get to some new milestones we pause as we look up and wish that they were still here with us to help us celebrate another beautiful moment.  Some of our losses occurred many years ago and our hearts remind us frequently that the greatness of an individual is not marked by the number of years where they made such an impression on us. Whether it has been a month, a year, five years or many more, there are those few folks that carved a space in our hearts very deeply that we simply can never forget them. I only hope that the reunion to come at a date not determined by me, will provide a great opportunity to see all of them again and our hearts can feel abundantly full, as we celebrate with each other as we once did.    

“We are all the pieces of what we remember. We hold in ourselves the hopes and fears of those who love us. As long as there is love and memory, there is no true loss.” ― Cassandra Clare

 

The Kindness Legacy

There are many inspirational quotes and signs that one can see quite often featuring the act of kindness. I personally enjoy reading all of them, because I use it as a reminder of what I should be doing on a consistent basis. For me kindness can begin with the smallest of actions, such as a simple smile towards another person that one may be crossing paths with. On an early morning a few weeks ago, it was a cloudy and misty start to the day as I was getting into my truck and a lady walked right by me on what appeared to be her morning walk. I stopped and smiled and said good morning to her. She in turn, just kept walking right by me without any response.  As I drove off, I smiled and chuckled to myself as I came up with a couple of excuses for why she didn't reply back. What I have learned over time is that I still have to continue with what I value in this world, like continuing to be kind towards others without having any expectations. Usually, over ninety percent of the time people will respond positively and smile back in those instances. The other levels of kindness can also take many different forms, from donating money towards a worthy cause close to your heart, to the donation of your time in volunteering for an organization or a special effort. All of these examples combined can speak to the possibility of what we would like to define in our lives as a cornerstone of our essential values. It was also no coincidence that as I was writing this, I happened to see an interview on television where a young boy in the south eastern part of the country had been given a dollar by his father for getting good grades in school. He ended up encountering a man who happened to be praying outside a diner early in the morning and the boy thought he was homeless and offered him the dollar. As it turned out, the man was shocked by the young boy's actions and he proceeded to tell him that he was the owner of a sporting goods store, where the alarm had gone off and he came to check on his establishment super early that day. It occurred so early, that he had not paid attention to what clothes he threw on before he left the house. It was a bit of a mismatch of clothing and then he realized that it all added up as how he could have been mistaken for a homeless individual. The man ended up buying the young man breakfast at the diner and when he found out that the only money that boy had he was willing to give to him, it made his heart full. Consequently, he invited his new found friend to a shopping spree at his store and gave him anything he could grab in 45 seconds. The interview ended with both of them smiling and speaking about their new found friendship which ultimately featured how that act of kindness not only brought them together, as they also were able to share the story with the rest of the world. This story brought further validation of the importance of this action and how one never knows how deeply it could touch another person. If you already put this action into practice or are contemplating how you can make some small changes to further enrich your life, I highly recommend you taking those steps towards adding to your kindness legacy. We cannot underestimate its power and while the world is watching to see what is not going right, it is a great counterbalance towards showing that same audience of what is going quite well among everyday folks around us. 

“Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.”
― Mark Twain

Milestones

After the beginning of a New Year, many folks think about the future and attempt to plan what they would like to accomplish in the ensuing time period. I think about this to an extent, however, I like to take a look back to see what was achieved previously for an even greater perspective. By looking at the last 5 and 10 years, I can almost guarantee that personal growth and wisdom has been part of your accompaniment. Part of the inspiration for this column was a news story that captured my attention about six sisters from Brooklyn, NY, who had to overcome many barriers from the beginning of their lives. Their family struggled financially and they were homeless at times. Although they sometimes slept in a car, they all spoke about the fact that they still did their homework and ensured that their education continued to be a priority. Not knowing where you will be sleeping and having the common necessities we take for granted of sleeping in a warm bed and having food on the table, can easily enable us to forget that others yearn for these comforts. For these sisters, despite their circumstances, they were able to overcome all of their adversity and all of them had the exact same lifelong dream of becoming nurses. When the news story caught up to them in present day, all of them already had achieved a masters in nursing degree and they were all finishing specialty programs and training, as they were seeking to achieve their next milestone of entering the world of healthcare. This is what prompted me to begin to think about the different types of breakthroughs that we all achieve over the course of time and we sometimes forget what achievements all of us have had. Just like these six incredible sisters who are the prime example to all of us of not being defined by your circumstances or your past, while keeping your dreams alive and ultimately being able to achieve them. I suggest the walk back in time just for a brief moment to contemplate what once may have been dreams, as you look around where you are today and take stock of those things that you have been able to bring to fruition. For a different perspective, I would also suggest asking some folks in your trusted inner circle to provide you with some feedback of what they believe are some of your successes. I preface this by saying that this exercise is not to be self-centered by any means, just to listen to what others have observed about some of the feats that you have been able to attain, without any bias. When I thought about this, I found that I had minimized some of my own accomplishments as I didn’t think I added the particular importance that was actually associated with them. Ultimately, it is nice to take a deep breath after having revisited some facets of your life knowing that as much as has transpired in prior years, there is still have much to look forward to. As we progress into the ensuing year ahead, be mindful of all that you have been able to realize as you plan for new goals and objectives that may add value to you and those closest around you. Think big and bold as there is no such thing as impossible. For reference, remember the story of the six nurse sisters as you seek to enter into your next phase of a well lived life. Having overcome a difficult beginning to your life, can be the pathway to a different second half of living. When you are able to bask in the milestones that have become a roadmap to what you have achieved thus far, one can still look forward to a great and fulfilling next chapter ahead.

“I look at victory as milestones on a very long highway.”

-Joan Benoit

Finding Personal Joy

I believe my first recollections about finding personal joy came from reading a number of stories in the news which all had some type of negative connotation about them. It is not hard to read a headline, breaking news or other similar highlighted topic on social media that would immediately take you down a rabbit hole of downward spiral conversations. For me, it is too easy to follow those and when you do, you don’t feel like you have forwarded any action. It all ends up making us feel like there is a heavier weight on our shoulders and one can even lose some sleep at night if you keep running some of these topics over and over in your head. What I have attempted to do over the recent years of my adult life, is to put some concentrated effort on finding the joyous moments that exist in varied amounts throughout a given day. It is quite interesting when you begin to put some effort into specifically looking for these gems and as time goes on, they come with a larger frequency and in greater amounts. One can begin their day by meditating, saying an affirmation, praying or deliberately speaking to yourself about what you would like to accomplish, as it relates to finding purposeful moments. Being intentional about what you wish to seek can open a door that can bring with it a swift enveloping wind which can embrace you with a warm hug and make you realize that there is much to be grateful for. My mom finds many of these moments in her precious garden which is adorned by the many types of different roses that paint her front and back yards with vibrant colors taken out of a beaming rainbow. Whenever I visit her, I take time to walk around and admire up close the beauty that exists there, while taking with me a wonderful aroma that can be stored in my memory’s inventory for any future date. In addition, my mom has also taken to providing a sanctuary for the many different birds who visit her backyard on a regular basis. My Siamese cat Diego made a trip with me recently and much different from the view outside of my windows at home, his eyes danced back and forth as he saw doves, pigeons, crows, hummingbirds and some other bird species that I could not recognize populating her backyard. I laughed just watching him as he took all of this in from the ledge of a dining room window, while the birds jumped in and out of different bird baths, ate from bird feeders and congregated amongst each other in this large aviary yard. Other folks may find joy in cooking, baking or finding happy moments in their kitchen. Perhaps you may get this fulfillment from various forms of nature; the desert, an ocean, lake, mountains or other bodies of water that you find this type of jubilance. Doing so can add a more purposeful balance to your life which can end up bringing more smiles to your face. I personally think if you have too many wrinkles due to excessive smiling or laughter, it is worth wearing those like badges of honor for the world to see. My point in all of this is that you can seek any moment of joy by being intentional. In closing, think about all of those things that can be this conduit in providing you with resolute cheer. Seek out the moments of personal joy which can transcend your day, week, month or year. Remember that you can orchestrate this for yourself and your loved ones around you. All you have to do is put some conscious effort and then wait to see what may arrive in those special instances that can be transformative in providing you with a higher level of fulfillment.

“When you do things from your soul, you feel a river 

moving in you, a joy.”

― Rumi

Unconditional Giving

I had this discussion with a good friend of mine several weeks ago about the life lessons we have learned and how we remember the instances when we were taught something deep and meaningful. We spoke about unconditional giving and how difficult it can be to do this, especially when we begin to look for excuses about why we can’t. Take for instance the person on the street that may ask for money and we typically make a quick judgement about whether they need it, what they will use it for or perhaps we even go a step further and wonder why they seem able bodied and could possibly be working for a wage. All of these things may cross our minds all at once or in increments. The bottom line is what will we do at the conclusion? In addition, I thought about the holidays and when that comes around, we tend to have a softer spot for people in need and perhaps it is the spirit of the season that can spur us to be more generous as a result. Then more recently, you have a natural disaster like the one that occurred on the island of Maui and your heart goes out to the many affected folks and then you may look for opportunities to make a contribution that may help. All of these are opportunities for us to choose a way to potentially make a difference in the life of someone afflicted by something that has caused them to be in a vulnerable situation. Even more poignant is that the people affected must humble themselves enough to ask for help, in whatever form that may be.  This could be a very apprehensive time for someone who may not be used to asking for assistance. All of us are constantly presented with choices to help others, the issue that still persists is are we listening to our inner voice that points us to help or are we ignoring it? I wrote a long time ago about my own grandmother and how she taught me this lesson, as she would always carry lots of change in her purse and when someone asked her for money, she never hesitated and gave it without thinking twice.  Once, she asked me to give money to a woman outside of a restaurant who was asking for money, I initially refused and she promptly admonished me and told me to do as I was told. I reluctantly gave the woman the money and came back into the restaurant and when I sat down with my grandmother again, I gave numerous reasons for how this person was going to use the money to do bad things. My grandmother let me speak my mind and when I finally stopped, she looked at me and told me that it was her money and she could do what she wanted with it. She also proceeded to tell me about how she struggled coming to this country and if it wasn’t for the kindness of many strangers, she would not be where she was then. I never spoke about that after this and it wasn’t until she was gone that I realized the lesson she had taught me through her personal example and testimony.  I am sure many of you have been taught lots of different wonderful things by a close relative, friend, peer or perhaps even a stranger.  My hope is that you are willing to open your heart and mind to the possibility of what can occur if you follow your positive instinct in the process.  I highly encourage you to look for the opportunity that may present itself to you and choose to give without expecting anything in return. There are many ways to give, other than just through monetary means, so you get many opportunities to select from.  You will be amazed at what that transformative experience can do for your life and how your sense of self changes in the process.  It is absolutely true that it is better to give than to receive, you just need to make it a habit and do so without making a big spectacle in the process. The right eyes will be watching and more importantly by the time you go to bed at night, think about the smile you will have on your face before falling asleep when you realize how much joy this has brought you.  I hope you continue to look for instances of being of service to others and that you get to experience the true happiness and joy that comes when you give and let go. 

“Help others without any reason and give without the expectation of receiving anything in return.”

― Roy T. Bennett

No Limits

I saw a story on television several weeks ago that I thought was a rerun and had seen previously. It was about a father and his son with cerebral palsy, who competed in over 247 triathlons, while the dad began his first of many different endurance races at age 36. According to him, he was not in the best shape when he began, yet, he wanted to compete with his son who was unable to physically do many of these things because of his disability. Dick Hoyt and his son Rick, became hometown heroes in Massachusetts over the years, as they evolved from running races, with the dad pushing his son on a special wheelchair. In video footage Rick would light up with excitement from being with his dad in all of these competitions and when they took it up another notch to race in triathlons, they elevated physical endurance to new levels. I felt like I had seen this story before, because I remember following them over the years when they made the news. They also provided much motivation for many other families with children with disabilities that were able to compete with their parents, even in just walking together while pushing a wheelchair when a race competition was in their town. They amassed a following of people who would go to cheer them on if they happened to be in their city for a race. As it turned out I was watching this interview with both of them, because it was Father's Day Weekend and they wanted to focus on a special dad like Dick, who heightened the meaning of what a father is, through the many years that he competed with his son. Interestingly enough in the interview with Rick, it was discussed how he actually lived alone in an apartment with the aid of assisted living. Dick spoke about how proud he was that his son, who although was severely disabled physically, was extremely bright and smart, while still wanting his independence from his dad. Rick was also a college graduate with a degree in Special Education which took him many years to complete due to his disability. However, Rick persevered just like his father and even got a job at Boston College working in a computer lab helping to develop systems to aid in communication and other tasks for people with disabilities. Their story is special in so many ways because it has all of the elements of what it takes for one to overcome obstacles in life, no matter what hurdles one may be facing. In re-looking at their story, I thought about times in my own life where I believed I was going through such tough periods that I would not be able to overcome them. Miraculously, I always did and now when I look back at my own stumbling blocks, they don't seem to be as monumental as I remember them to be. It's funny how life gives you this different perspective, if you get the privilege of living more years on this earth. Going back to this special Father's Day Story, what I was not prepared for was the ending. I thought both father and son were still doing well, even though Dick ran his last marathon in 2014 and had shifted into retirement watching his son continue to excel in life. However, the story also provided updates to their lives and I was unaware that Dick had passed away in his sleep in 2021 at the age of 80 years old. Stunningly, I was also unaware that his son Rick passed away in 2023 at the age of 61 from respiratory complications. I sat at the end of this special interview with tears, albeit because of the sad news at the end, I think I was even more emotional in looking at their interviews that they spliced over the years and saw the deep love of a father and son. In one particular interview, Dick was asked about his feelings of having competed for so many years with his son in tow. Dick went on to say that when he began, he was out of shape and was not in the best condition to run any type of race, marathon or unfathomable to consider a triathlon. He looked at the camera and began to tear up, because he credited his having better health and being in great shape to his son Rick. The interviewer ended with a statement, that his son actually saved his life and then the full tears came from Dick as he wept and said yes. I was so emotional at the end of this segment, yet, I was also grateful to have seen it. I was reminded over and over about the importance of family, love, faith, resilience, community and so much more. I am so thankful to both of them for showing the world what can be achieved as they broke down barriers, especially for those with disabilities about what is possible in this life. I hope you are able to watch some of their inspiring videos, as there are many and will continue to live on via the internet. I know that they will inspire many other folks for generations to come and serve as a great example of the love between a father and son while beating great odds may look like to the rest of the world.

“Too many of you are doing great stuff in small ponds, it's time for a stir-up, break limits, break boundaries, breakthrough. Go, make it happen!”

- Bernard Kelvin Clive