Happiness is Your Responsibility

I have seen the happiness topic over and over again when reading about self fulfilment and how to achieve that state of mind. In many versions of what I have seen and read, it comes down to the fact that the responsibility for finding happiness cannot be found in someone or something else. Although, somebody else can add to your happiness factor and enhance it to a great degree, at the end of the day one must find this sometimes-elusive achievement strictly for themselves. Many have attempted to find happiness via a variety of things that are part of our everyday world. One can seek to find it in material things, some of which may be personal wealth, along with purchasing items such as cars or homes or spending money on vacations. There is also the attempting to find happiness by seeking someone else to help satisfy this in you. Remember that when one places a job like this on someone else to fulfill you, it is a responsibility that the other person may not be fully aware of and therefore unable to attain it for you. When I think about my younger self, I certainly had my share of time thinking that material things were always going to allow me to have happiness. However, what it created was a sense of competition among others, as I sought to keep up with my peers on how much I could accumulate as part of this empty search.  I recall going to expensive department stores and buying the latest most expensive jeans, flashy designer shirt or some brand name shoes that everyone seemed to be wearing. What I would end up with was some material items that were only worn a few times before they lost their great appeal. I also accumulated credit card debt that lasted much longer than the items I had purchased.  When I see young adults around me today, I still see much of that younger me in them. Except, technology has dramatically changed since I was young and having the latest ear pods, iPhone, iPad or some other gaming device that is part of today's youth is very much part of their world. The other thing I see vastly different, is that their parents are purchasing these items for them without a second thought. I grew up with much more financial apprehensions, as we did not have a lot of extra money to go around for purchases outside of the traditional food and shelter items. I would have never thought of asking my parents for money as an option to buy something just for me. My saving grace in that department was my grandmother and although she did not have a lot of extra money herself, she always found something in her purse that she could scramble up if I really wanted it. For the most part, my guilty purchases were for records that I would buy at the local music store, forty fives to be exact as they were cheaper than an album. Among my happier and vivid memories of my grandmother buying something for me, was related to her taking me out to a cafe or a restaurant and purchasing lunch for both of us. I was a happy camper with a hamburger, a bag of Lays potato chips with a Coke. I am sure many of you can relate to those simple things that brought you true happiness in your youth as well. At the end of the day, it is always the modest things that brought us true joy.  Hence, if you are seeking to find love perhaps to help fulfill that void that you may have, think again about the true cost of such an endeavor. Other people can help enrich our lives, however, leaving that type of responsibility in someone else's hands is a recipe that you may want to revisit and rewrite before attempting to go down that road. Seek for ways to find peace of mind, a harmonious environment, laughter and most of all, contentment within yourself. Also, don't forget about the art of connecting to others in person, while having a meaningful conversation or even better, a good belly laugh will always be much more valued for everyone involved, as it may resonate with your happiness factor.  Again, take ownership of your own personal journey down this road and if you get to share some of your joy with others as part of your voyage on this earth then I would say you  are well on your way to your desired destination.  

New Blooms, New Season

As we just concluded this year's end of summer and fall is slowly trying to make its presence known, it made me think about how different our end of summers are now compared to when I was a child. I vividly recall that end of summer when I was young, meant the dreaded return to school after the Labor Day holiday and with that, came shopping with my Mom for the new clothes that were needed as we began the schoolyear. That also came with its own anxiety, as that meant that we would be having a new teacher and new kids in the classroom that were not necessarily the ones that were our close friends. For me, it was that whole thing of trying to fit in with this new group of kids and having that feeling that perhaps I wasn't fitting in, while others acclimated very well in complete contrast. The one positive thing that I also remember about September was that while our favorite television shows were on hiatus in the summer months, they were set to return as the beginning of fall was approaching. With that, I also had this separate joy in knowing that a new season of cartoons would be coming and they would have previews of what to expect. All of that was very exciting for me, as I grew up a latch key kid, as my parents worked long hours and although I spent most of the time with my grandmother, she worked nights and I would have to stay by myself watching television as I waited for her to get home.  Fast forward to today and again things are so much more different for the young kids around me. I noticed that schools began their new terms some in mid August and there is no new slate of television shows waiting for anyone, as most people are utilizing their streaming devices and can download pretty much anything they want at any given time.  In a way, I feel a bit sad for the children of today as their world is much more calculated and less spontaneous than mine was during the same time period.  I have nephews that play football in school and their end of their summer was uprooted by the return to practice football games and getting back in shape for their new season.  The other thing that I do appreciate about the end of summer, is the return to NFL football and although I enjoy watching many sports, I must say the football is my favorite along with this changing time of year. As we quickly move forward through the remainder of this month, I hope many of you reflect on how your new season ahead will transpire as we begin this time period. It is another perfect opportunity to think about what other changes can be in store for you as part of the new seasonality. Like the changing seasons that our plants, trees and flowers outside await in aniticipation for with new blossoms coming, we too can seek what other things we may want to have bloom in our lives as we continue to await the changing colors of the leaves outside. I too look forward to a chilly morning outside that is crisp, as the cool morning air greets us when we step outdoors. With that, perhaps we too can change our proverbial color, into a new hue that we have been waiting to try out as a result. Cheers to another fruitful summer gone by and I will raise a glass to the season that awaits ahead with a big smile and wonder what else will be in store for me in this new phase that I will welcome with open arms.    

Turning the Page

I recently concluded a career after over 34 years and although I keep getting asked what does it feel like, I am still feeling my way through many things. The conclusion was taxing in that my schedule became very full towards the end, as many folks sought to have one last meeting with me before I checked out. Each of those meetings were also filled with a different emotion for me, as I tried to be as calculated as possible in what I would say and which words I hoped would stay behind with those that would be continuing with their work journeys.  Although I kept looking forward, I was definitely caught up in the many moments in which I would reflect during a pause of a meeting and mentally walked through the thought that this would be my last meeting with this person or entity.  After finishing a long last day of work, I recall coming home feeling mentally exhausted, as I had no more energy left in me for that day. It didn't help that I had just adopted a French Bulldog who now goes by the name of Jack Ryan and upon my daily returns home, we were in training with each other as we made our way through new bonding of a family pet and its new owner. Jack Ryan was definitely a blessing, without me initially not realizing it. He made me concentrate on something other than work and the finishing of a beloved career, while making me laugh with his tricks and playful antics as we acclimated to early morning walks with just the two of us. These walks have become therapeutic as I continue to contemplate this new chapter that is unfolding in front of me.  My days seem to be filled with lots of appointments that I had pushed to the side previously and among my new focus, is to spend more on my own personal self care that I would have easily pushed to the side previously due to work priorities.  For those of you who may be at the beginning of a new chapter or perhaps this resonates with a prior experience of a new beginning, I am sure you can all relate to being excited and a bit apprehensive all at the same time. The good part about my new beginning was that I had plenty of examples of people that went before me and I learned something from each of them about how not to wait until you were much older to begin the retirement chapter. I have been decompressing for the last several weeks and it has been a good opportunity to pause and think about what other new ventures I want to take on, at my own leisure of time.  Although I do have some travel plans, I also am joining new organizations as a board member, where I hope to lend some of my knowledge, skill and experience to an entity that welcomes new ideas as well. When I started this blog, I meant what I said then as I do now, the opportunity to change is a daily decision and I hope everyone chooses wisely.  You don't have to wait to begin a new chapter of anything, as it all comes down to your own desire to do something new and feeling passionate about how you want to use your talents in a different capacity.  I encourage all of you to think about those things that you have been putting off for a future date and consider adding some timelines to get to the answer of when would it be a good time?  Also, remember that when you have quiet down time and you begin hearing what I call "whispers from God", is the time to contemplate what will be your next step.  If there is something burning inside of you that is waking you up at 3am or some other odd time that deserves your undivided attention, please take notice and give it the time it merits.  Consider how far you have been on your current journey and where is it that you really want to go that doesn't feel like work. That feeling of wanting to do something that doesn't feel like work is called passion and everyone has it inside of them. I hope you listen to those whispers when they come and that you begin putting action behind those thoughts, as you prepare for your next chapter. I also wish for you to embrace the change that comes with all of this, as you set sail for the journey that now awaits as you decide to turn your own page. 

What We Deserve

I was watching a movie that I had not seen in a few years and as I remembered some of the scenes that were playing out, I had to stop after hearing a line from one of the characters that I couldn’t recall. The person stated, “we accept the love we think we deserve”. This made me pause as I reflected for several minutes about what they were saying. It was a teacher speaking to a student and he went on to explain further. To him it meant that people tend to end up in relationships where they are treated as well or as poorly as they believe they merit. If someone thinks they are undeserving of real love and affection, they may accept a toxic or abusive partner instead. The quote suggests we must believe we deserve goodness before we can have it. This was quite deep and yet, as I thought about the first time I possibly heard about love, as a very young person I did not have any sense of fully describing what that meant to me. That is because there are no biases or other learned behavior due to having that pure innocence that slowly starts peeling away from us in layers as we get older. It further made me think about the things that we believe we deserve beyond the feeling of love, affection or other emotional connections. How often do we ask ourselves about what we deserve and then follow it up with why haven’t we received that yet?  I suspect that as an adult with lots of learned behavior which comes through life’s experiences, we get to these instances where we take inventory of what we have achieved and look at what other things we believe we still can add to our list of accomplishments. Having self-awareness of oneself is quite helpful to quickly assess what are our attributes that can still help us achieve our next conquest. In addition, we can also look at any of our areas of improvement that may still need some work to help add more polish to us. Whether you aspire to obtain a new job, seek to finally lose the weight you have spoken about or perhaps want to achieve a different level of financial freedom, there is always some work to be done in order to accomplish any of it. Also, if you grew up without a lot of reinforcement about your self-esteem, self-worth or lacked nurturing, take the time to unpack some of this if it still exists within you. What I have learned throughout my life, is that there are multitudes of stories that I have been a witness to, where some folks had to grow up more quickly than others. Due to the home circumstances that were not ideal for some growing children, this could definitely have created some lack of self-esteem as part of that effect. Therefore, the beginning was lacking of many things including loving support for some. When we get to adulthood is where we finally get to choose how we are going to live the next part of our life, while we can also decide to let go of some of that baggage that doesn’t serve a positive purpose. Most of what I have witnessed, was people choosing to live as survivors and not victims of any of what they encountered as children. The great part about making decisions as an adult, is that you do not have to repeat what you experienced as a young person, especially if it was a negative incident. Choosing to live out the rest of your life with a new perspective, filled with positive plans on your next potential achievements breathes new life into us and gives us a new meaningful purpose as we set afoot on these new ventures that now await us. I hope that you all feel that you deserve better and that you continue to work towards achieving your next goal whatever that may be. In doing so, remember to share your experiences with others so that we can help our counterparts grow via what we have already experienced and hopefully, we also can prevent others from making any decisions that may have negative consequences as well, by utilizing us as living examples. 

“Having patience always gives you what you deserve.”

― Fatma Alfalasi

Milestone Moments

When you think about the many different chapters in our lives, one can quickly reminisce about those that brought us much joy and how for a period of time, we did not want to turn the page and close that chapter. Those instances that were filled with much growth, happiness and fulfillment live on with us well after that segment closed and we hope to revisit another one similar to that in the future. The joyful milestone moments that were created, provided us with many smiles that can quickly take us back to that euphoric feeling where we radiated in that light which felt positive and full of energy. When I recall those joyful periods, they were filled with new beginnings, perhaps a new birth of a baby or the formation of a new relationship that added considerable value to us. I recall the feeling when I graduated from high school and knowing I had been accepted to a college in the fall, which provided me with so many hopes and dreams. Then graduating from college, was yet another wonderful landmark that was filled with accomplishment, pride and the yearning for what awaited me in the world of work. As the oldest of five siblings, I can vividly recall the births of all my brothers and sisters and how the family was abuzz with the addition of a newborn to our expanding family. Also, the day that I was able to buy my first car was a thrill and driving for a common errand became exhilarating, as I recall the new car smell when getting into it. The purchase of a home was also filled with much apprehension in the time it took to find the right place and all of that paperwork with banks, loan agents and title companies that was hard to understand, yet provided me with a huge smile from ear to ear when it was completed. I am sure many of you can think of many other examples that would fit into this arena. For me, one of the newest milestones is getting to the conclusion of a career that I have loved for so long, even through all of its ups and downs over the course of time. Recently, I arrived at this decision as I told people that I kept hearing the whispers from God, in particular in the middle of the night and they kept getting louder and louder. I have been contemplating what this would be like for many years before, however, getting to the reality of the moment was a different feeling. When I look back at what I was able to accomplish, I can find similar milestones in that timeline that provide me with more opportunities to beam at what was done through the course of hard work and dedication. It made me think about the legacy that I leave behind and again how proud I am of those who will continue on with the great work ahead. This coming July after attaining 34 years of state service this past month, I plan to retire.  Although the decision was a long time in coming, I truly feel a sense of a different happiness in knowing that I was given the privilege to arrive at this stage. There are many friends and work family colleagues that were made over this span of time that I have been working and I always thought that this chapter was so far down the road. Yet, here I am and completely filled with much gratitude for the opportunity to have served in different capacities helping the many people in need through out the communities that we served.  I believe that the processing of all of this will still need more time and there is another smile that comes to my face in knowing that although I loved this chapter, the story is not over. New ventures await me and with that some quality time spent with my family as we get to explore new places with a bit less apprehension in knowing that I don’t have to rush to go back to work at the conclusion. There are so many of you out there that have been part of my journey and I am completely grateful for all of the wonderful people that have crossed my path over the years. I am forever appreciative of the many instances where we got to exchange thoughts, ideas, conversations and laughter as well. With that said, I would like to say “Gracias” to all of you who were part of my journey. I look forward with great anticipation as the next chapter evolves and the new writing of it begins with the next steps after this conclusion.  I continue to wish everyone of you much happiness, joy, laughter along with ongoing health, so that we can continue to see each other down the road.  

“We have reached milestones that are far beyond what I expected.”

-J-Hope

The Essence of Resilience

In writing this column, I am doing so while I am still hearing updates on the news about the devastating fires that have caused catastrophic damage and loss to the Los Angeles area. I have watched countless images, videos and other testimonials on television and via social media about the impact of all of this to so many people and their families. It is scary to think that in my own neighborhood I was under fire evacuation orders many years ago due to wildfires that caused much destruction where I live as well. I have vivid memories of not sleeping that entire night as I sat watching the news on television, with packed photo albums, insurance paperwork, some clothes and food along with a couple of toys for my Siamese cat Diego.  Thankfully, we were lucky to have survived without any damage to us, however, driving up from my house over the next several days was very somber when I saw first-hand how many homes were randomly destroyed.  I also saw Sam Champion reporting for ABC news from New York on a corner in the neighborhood and it all felt very surreal. Hence, I feel the weight of the ongoing losses every time I get an update. As all of this plays in my mind, I saw a quote from the actor Keanu Reeves who was speaking on what resilience meant to him. Part of his quote stated, “Don’t define yourself by what you lost, but by what you do with what’s left”. This made me think even longer about the many individuals who have had to contend with the aftermath of a catastrophe and how they managed to get up the next day and put one foot in front of the other, as they began their long road to recovery. The scars of those experiences also remain with us for what can be a lifetime, however, how we use what we learned from it becomes part of our life’s lesson that we can one day share with someone else. Moving forward is never easy for anybody; however, it is one of the few alternatives that we have left after processing what just transpired. One doesn’t have to think very hard when you look at what is occurring in the world when you hear of damaging consequences to others as a result of a life changing incident. What I look for in all of these stories are the kernels of hope that are sprinkled throughout a difficult story, which feature how others helped in a time of need. Those individuals that become the heroes of these occurrences, are what continue to give us hope and remind us that good people do exist and lending a hand when there is a need can provide more transformative energy than the destruction caused by it. In our own families, I am sure that you can recall someone who was a vivid example of helping a neighbor, family member or friend. My grandmother was and still is one of my biggest inspirations, as I recall that although she didn’t have much, she was so generous in many different ways. If you came to her house around any of the meal times, she always had enough food to offer someone and would insist on ensuring that they ate something before leaving her house. She carried lots of change in her purse and if she ran into someone asking for money, she never hesitated to hand some of that out unconditionally.  I firmly believe that many us don’t have to look too far in our own families to find great examples of this type of generous behavior. Hence, as we continue to process hardships around us, remember you get to have the last word in how you pick up the pieces afterwards. My hope is that all of you show the world what true resilience can look like in the next steps of recovering from a setback and that in the process you become the living example to our next generation who are looking at us. Thank you to the many first responders, firefighters, volunteers and all of the people that put themselves in the middle of harm’s way to help someone in need. They are the living examples of heroes and sheroes that walk amongst us.   

“The key to life is resilience…We will always be knocked down.

It’s the getting up that counts.”

-Dominique Browning

 

Who Are You Becoming?

I was working on a different column several days ago, when I received an update from Instagram from a renowned speaker who is an educator that I follow.  I got to see him first hand as a keynote speaker at a national educator’s convention a few months ago. His name is George Couros and although I had never heard of him prior to attending his session, he was a very compelling speaker and his personal story was equally motivational too. The social media post had a quote attached to it, “Your attention needs to be on who you are becoming, rather than who you have been”, by Gary John Bishop. After seeing this, I decided I needed to write a new column and the old one will be finished at a later time. This quote made me think for a couple of days about those words and it took me on a trip through memory lane of my own life.  When I began to think about the who I have been before, I can vividly see different versions of myself.  My younger self was always focused on me and as youth always dictates many of the things I found to be important, were rather superficial as I look back today. I remember high school as an uncomfortable time due to the many things that a teenager goes through and feeling that I did not fit in. Interesting how this feeling is still alive and well today in the lives of youth, so I guess some things don’t change as much universally.  My college self, was also very me oriented, however, it showed me a world that was so different outside of where I was born, along with many interesting people that came from a variety of backgrounds than mine. I learned to appreciate all of the differences that could exist in others and yet in this one educational institution, we could all be the same.  When I started my career after college, it was all work and absorbing everything I could learn in order to be more competitive as I strived to enter into the world of leadership and my constant question to myself was, “how could I make this team even better?”. The answer to this has and always will be that I have to be better myself, in order for my team to want to follow me.  Learning new philosophies about leadership and looking for capacity building opportunities are also never ending. Hence, here we are as I looked through some stages of my past self and still, I struggle with the answer to who am I becoming. Well, I can honestly say that I am still a work in progress, however, wisdom has allowed me to make more calculated decisions about the next version of myself.  My priorities have definitely changed and what has impacted them have been my ability to see others around me grow and become better versions of themselves, that I aspire to further professional growth too. The fact that age shows us how important health and peace of mind are for instance can create a great source of personal joy with lasting benefits. Also, the enjoyment of simple things such as a get together with close friends that you haven’t seen in a while, while laughing so hard that you begin to run out of breath, are among my favorite past times in my world today. I will leave you with this open-ended question, as you can mull over the answer that is best for you. In it, I hope you find not only some nostalgic memories of who you once were, in addition, I hope you too are finding that the most important things that matter in your life, you still can have an impact on. I am here to remind you that it is never too late to change, have a different perspective and most importantly find everyday joy when striving to live a purposeful life. You are the captain of your own ship and you can determine when to set new sails for a different direction, if you find that it is needed. Keep challenging yourself to be that better version of you, while giving yourself some grace for any shortcomings that existed in your past.  None of us are perfect, so we all continue to make mistakes periodically.  The key now is to make sure the same mistakes are not repeated and that you continue your due diligence in carving out the path you want to travel, while paying no mind to anyone who disagrees with your plans. Ultimately, we are responsible for our life’s choices and how we proceed as a result, is for us to contend with. I wish you much success as you peel the next layer of who you are becoming and may it bring you much fulfillment in knowing that it will be a great next version of you.