Coping With a Loss

I received some sad news several days ago, when I was told a dear friend's mother who I was very close to, had passed away unexpectedly.  I took a long pause and a million things went through my mind, as I was processing this.  I immediately went back to when I was in high school when I first met this person when visiting my friend's house after school.  She was always friendly to me and was a great cook, as she was the Registered Dietician for the school district we went to. As a result of this great friendship I had developed, I also got to experience a new culinary world that I was not too familiar with. At home I was very familiar with every type of Mexican dish you could think of, due to my grandmother's touch in our kitchen. However, at my friend's house I was introduced to unique things like tuna casserole, many different tasty Italian dishes and one of the most memorable for me was Beef Wellington.  We certainly did not have this type of variety of meals at my house, so I really felt like I was participating in a gastronomic experience, well before it was a thing as it is today. At the helm of all of this food that I was introduced to, was Eileen, who was my dear friend Joey's mother.  Throughout the years of our friendship, we had countless sit-down dinners and so many other wonderful conversations about life, especially when in high school and what we were going to do after graduation. The years progressed and my friend and his mom relocated to the San Diego area, where our friendship continued after I began attending San Diego State University.  On the weekends, I would go to their home and as a typical starving college student, I cherished our time together because it would also provide me with another great meal that was very different from my cost saving macaroni and cheese dinner that I had to endure for far too long.  Many more memories were made with these great friends, as they were there when I graduated from college and were among the first to cheer me on. I was also present to celebrate great milestone birthday parties and weddings for both her and Joey which brought more new family members into the circle. What I recall fondly is that after a celebration gathering and all the guests were gone, it was usually myself and Eileen sitting at the kitchen table enjoying a final glass of wine, as we contemplated what a great time we just had. My friend Joey would be up in his room playing video games and tending to the family dogs, while I on the other hand enjoyed having an adult conversation and many laughs with Eileen.  All of these memories have been peppering my mind ever since I found out the news of her passing and as I got the email advising me that articles for this newsletter were going to be due soon, I could only think of writing about how all of us have been touched in one way or another by beautiful people along with having to deal with some of their losses as well.  This brought back memories of my other childhood friend who lost his dad when we were both in seventh grade and I recall going to the memorial services, while not quite knowing what to say to my friend, as I too was confused and overwhelmed by the whole ordeal. I know that so many of you out there, have dealt with similar instances of losing loved ones either progressively or suddenly. Then the grieving process comes in many different forms as there are different people on this earth, to make things a bit more complicated.  I have also found that there is no measurement of time that one could look up as a standard, because there isn't any when it comes to how long one grieves.  What we cling to through all of this as we look for some silver lining that hasn't yet made any appearance are countless memories that were etched in our minds and in our hearts that enable us to smile if only for a brief moment.  This is also when our heart feels like it grows a few sizes to help us to absorb the shock, along with a flood of wonderful memories that were attributed to those loving individuals. I always try to remember the instances when we laughed so hard, that we couldn't breathe and how it felt like we had just returned from the gym as a result of our laughter workout.  We will never stop remembering all of those folks who left such an imprint in our lives. As time marches on and we get to some new milestones we pause as we look up and wish that they were still here with us to help us celebrate another beautiful moment.  Some of our losses occurred many years ago and our hearts remind us frequently that the greatness of an individual is not marked by the number of years where they made such an impression on us. Whether it has been a month, a year, five years or many more, there are those few folks that carved a space in our hearts very deeply that we simply can never forget them. I only hope that the reunion to come at a date not determined by me, will provide a great opportunity to see all of them again and our hearts can feel abundantly full, as we celebrate with each other as we once did.    

“We are all the pieces of what we remember. We hold in ourselves the hopes and fears of those who love us. As long as there is love and memory, there is no true loss.” ― Cassandra Clare