Unconditional Giving

I had this discussion with a good friend of mine several weeks ago about the life lessons we have learned and how we remember the instances when we were taught something deep and meaningful. We spoke about unconditional giving and how difficult it can be to do this, especially when we begin to look for excuses about why we can’t. Take for instance the person on the street that may ask for money and we typically make a quick judgement about whether they need it, what they will use it for or perhaps we even go a step further and wonder why they seem able bodied and could possibly be working for a wage. All of these things may cross our minds all at once or in increments. The bottom line is what will we do at the conclusion? In addition, I thought about the holidays and when that comes around, we tend to have a softer spot for people in need and perhaps it is the spirit of the season that can spur us to be more generous as a result. Then more recently, you have a natural disaster like the one that occurred on the island of Maui and your heart goes out to the many affected folks and then you may look for opportunities to make a contribution that may help. All of these are opportunities for us to choose a way to potentially make a difference in the life of someone afflicted by something that has caused them to be in a vulnerable situation. Even more poignant is that the people affected must humble themselves enough to ask for help, in whatever form that may be.  This could be a very apprehensive time for someone who may not be used to asking for assistance. All of us are constantly presented with choices to help others, the issue that still persists is are we listening to our inner voice that points us to help or are we ignoring it? I wrote a long time ago about my own grandmother and how she taught me this lesson, as she would always carry lots of change in her purse and when someone asked her for money, she never hesitated and gave it without thinking twice.  Once, she asked me to give money to a woman outside of a restaurant who was asking for money, I initially refused and she promptly admonished me and told me to do as I was told. I reluctantly gave the woman the money and came back into the restaurant and when I sat down with my grandmother again, I gave numerous reasons for how this person was going to use the money to do bad things. My grandmother let me speak my mind and when I finally stopped, she looked at me and told me that it was her money and she could do what she wanted with it. She also proceeded to tell me about how she struggled coming to this country and if it wasn’t for the kindness of many strangers, she would not be where she was then. I never spoke about that after this and it wasn’t until she was gone that I realized the lesson she had taught me through her personal example and testimony.  I am sure many of you have been taught lots of different wonderful things by a close relative, friend, peer or perhaps even a stranger.  My hope is that you are willing to open your heart and mind to the possibility of what can occur if you follow your positive instinct in the process.  I highly encourage you to look for the opportunity that may present itself to you and choose to give without expecting anything in return. There are many ways to give, other than just through monetary means, so you get many opportunities to select from.  You will be amazed at what that transformative experience can do for your life and how your sense of self changes in the process.  It is absolutely true that it is better to give than to receive, you just need to make it a habit and do so without making a big spectacle in the process. The right eyes will be watching and more importantly by the time you go to bed at night, think about the smile you will have on your face before falling asleep when you realize how much joy this has brought you.  I hope you continue to look for instances of being of service to others and that you get to experience the true happiness and joy that comes when you give and let go. 

“Help others without any reason and give without the expectation of receiving anything in return.”

― Roy T. Bennett

No Limits

I saw a story on television several weeks ago that I thought was a rerun and had seen previously. It was about a father and his son with cerebral palsy, who competed in over 247 triathlons, while the dad began his first of many different endurance races at age 36. According to him, he was not in the best shape when he began, yet, he wanted to compete with his son who was unable to physically do many of these things because of his disability. Dick Hoyt and his son Rick, became hometown heroes in Massachusetts over the years, as they evolved from running races, with the dad pushing his son on a special wheelchair. In video footage Rick would light up with excitement from being with his dad in all of these competitions and when they took it up another notch to race in triathlons, they elevated physical endurance to new levels. I felt like I had seen this story before, because I remember following them over the years when they made the news. They also provided much motivation for many other families with children with disabilities that were able to compete with their parents, even in just walking together while pushing a wheelchair when a race competition was in their town. They amassed a following of people who would go to cheer them on if they happened to be in their city for a race. As it turned out I was watching this interview with both of them, because it was Father's Day Weekend and they wanted to focus on a special dad like Dick, who heightened the meaning of what a father is, through the many years that he competed with his son. Interestingly enough in the interview with Rick, it was discussed how he actually lived alone in an apartment with the aid of assisted living. Dick spoke about how proud he was that his son, who although was severely disabled physically, was extremely bright and smart, while still wanting his independence from his dad. Rick was also a college graduate with a degree in Special Education which took him many years to complete due to his disability. However, Rick persevered just like his father and even got a job at Boston College working in a computer lab helping to develop systems to aid in communication and other tasks for people with disabilities. Their story is special in so many ways because it has all of the elements of what it takes for one to overcome obstacles in life, no matter what hurdles one may be facing. In re-looking at their story, I thought about times in my own life where I believed I was going through such tough periods that I would not be able to overcome them. Miraculously, I always did and now when I look back at my own stumbling blocks, they don't seem to be as monumental as I remember them to be. It's funny how life gives you this different perspective, if you get the privilege of living more years on this earth. Going back to this special Father's Day Story, what I was not prepared for was the ending. I thought both father and son were still doing well, even though Dick ran his last marathon in 2014 and had shifted into retirement watching his son continue to excel in life. However, the story also provided updates to their lives and I was unaware that Dick had passed away in his sleep in 2021 at the age of 80 years old. Stunningly, I was also unaware that his son Rick passed away in 2023 at the age of 61 from respiratory complications. I sat at the end of this special interview with tears, albeit because of the sad news at the end, I think I was even more emotional in looking at their interviews that they spliced over the years and saw the deep love of a father and son. In one particular interview, Dick was asked about his feelings of having competed for so many years with his son in tow. Dick went on to say that when he began, he was out of shape and was not in the best condition to run any type of race, marathon or unfathomable to consider a triathlon. He looked at the camera and began to tear up, because he credited his having better health and being in great shape to his son Rick. The interviewer ended with a statement, that his son actually saved his life and then the full tears came from Dick as he wept and said yes. I was so emotional at the end of this segment, yet, I was also grateful to have seen it. I was reminded over and over about the importance of family, love, faith, resilience, community and so much more. I am so thankful to both of them for showing the world what can be achieved as they broke down barriers, especially for those with disabilities about what is possible in this life. I hope you are able to watch some of their inspiring videos, as there are many and will continue to live on via the internet. I know that they will inspire many other folks for generations to come and serve as a great example of the love between a father and son while beating great odds may look like to the rest of the world.

“Too many of you are doing great stuff in small ponds, it's time for a stir-up, break limits, break boundaries, breakthrough. Go, make it happen!”

- Bernard Kelvin Clive

Your Dreams and Reality

Several weeks ago, I saw a great story about the first black female journalist in the Western United States and her name is Belva Davis.  She is an extraordinary example of persevering to achieve your dreams and while she overcame so much as the first in her profession and geographic area of the country, her quote stood out like a beacon of light when I heard it.  "Don't be afraid of the space between your dreams and reality.  If you can dream it, you can make it so".  Although her story is fascinating having to overcome so much in the world of television broadcasting that has been dominated by men, she blazed a trail for other women who would come after her.  That quote made me think about so many other things that I wanted to focus on as part of my column for this edition.  Just the thought that your dreams can become reality makes for some great thought-provoking conversation, even if you are by yourself.   When I first think about dreams, I go back to my childhood and remember wanting to live in a big house with a swimming pool and having all of the great amenities that could be afforded due to some form of wealth.  I think many of us can relate to having similar dreams.  Then as an adult the imaginative thoughts evolved to many other types of different things which included; peace, tranquility, serenity and health.  I know for a fact that my 10-year-old self would have never listed these things which I now cherish so much more.  Then when I heard Ms. Davis's quote, I was reminded about how many of our dreams do come true, however, the way they manifest themselves sometimes appear in different forms.  Think about the great dream of winning the lottery along with the items you have imagined you would buy with all of that new money. I used to joke with a co-worker of mine many years ago, that buying a $1.00 lottery ticket was way better than going to therapy.  With that one ticket, we could talk about all of our hopes and dreams along with what a better life we would have as a result.  I also recall during my college days and I would watch the TV show "Cribs" on MTV.  You would peek into these mansions of famous people with so many extravagant things inside along with a garage of luxury vehicles.  My college roommates and I would talk about how we too would have something like that once we graduated and moved on to our adult chapters.  Now I just smile at the many thoughts that ran through our underdeveloped minds and how things are much different now.  Yet, this quote from Ms. Davis resonates strongly, in that speaking something into the universe that you really want does come from a powerful place.  I also realized some time ago, that in order to make dreams turn into reality one should be very specific.  I had many dreams that came true in my life, however, in looking back over the years, I realized that I lacked specificity for many of the things which did occur.  What has not changed is that you do have control over what you want to achieve in your life.  Much of what we want does eventually come to us, although usually it is a result of lots of hard work and dedication.  Other items take longer periods of time while utilizing habitual practice before one finally sees an outcome.  What cannot be lost in all of this is that one must continue to have dreams as life is not over, until we finally get to leave this earth and if you believe in it, you can look forward to the great beyond.  I hope that many of you remember the dreams that you had as a child, teen and adult.  Take inventory of the many items that you did manifest as a result and continue to keep your new dreams alive as well.  Always maintain bold dreams and your higher power, the universe, God or whomever it is that you put your greater level of faith in, will put things in motion for you.  Just understand that those items that are for your personal good are usually what comes to fruition.   Being thankful for the dreams that did not come true can also be another column all by itself, as many of us don't realize until much time has passed, that not all things end up adding value to our lives and some things just do not bring you anticipated happiness either.  Finally, I hope you spend some time thinking about Ms. Davis's words and how you can benefit from being bold in your dreams and then making them so.     

“Dreams are never just dreams; they are reality waiting to happen.”

- Sarah Burton

The Color Between Leaves

During an extended holiday weekend, I was able to catch up on several films that had been on my to-watch list.  One that caught me by surprise was a film titled, "Local Color".  It was an older film from 2009, however, it was one of those that matched my profile, based upon other films I have watched.  When one turns out to be way better than expected I am always very pleasantly surprised, especially when it moves me to write something about it.  This story is about an aspiring young artist who loves painting and other arts.  When he finds out that a famous retired painter lives near him, he does everything he can to meet the artist and when presented with the opportunity he also asks him if he can teach him about painting.  Needless to say, the film is so much more than about painting.  It had many blended life teachings in it which I always find fascinating, in what life lessons can teach us about our journey on this earth.  Armin Mueller-Stahl, plays the part of the tortured retired artist who sees so many things wrong in the world and the lack of appreciation for beauty that is being ignored by many of today's contemporary painters.  The rest of the story, I will let you find some time to immerse yourself in a great little film, however, I wanted to focus on a few of the artist's specific lines which touched me as he was attempting to teach a young eager student.  In one scene the young man shows him a collection of portraits that he has already painted and wants to be critiqued.  The artist looks at all of his paintings and simply tells him that he is painting through the eyes of what others have already seen.  In a poignant moment, he imparts the wisdom he has accumulated through his many years of living, that one must look at life through one's own eyes and not via someone else's.  I loved this, because it reminded me of the many lesson's others try to teach us and yet our most valuable tutorials are learned from the mistakes that we each made and how we reacted to them afterwards.  Another favorite moment was to look through the trees and see how the light which comes through the leaves paints a greater picture for us than the actual tree itself.  This was another teaching moment on ways to see beyond what we sometimes think is right in front of our noses.  Think of the many times one may have been in a situation where you could not find the answer or outcome that was wished for.  In many of those instances, it was not until after we had a breakthrough in a personal situation, where we realized the response that we sought was often much simpler than what we thought.  I could go on for a lot longer dissecting the many other lessons the artist teaches this young man.  However, at the end of it you feel the life teachings which were imparted went far beyond painting substantial and meaningful portraits.  The film provided me with many reminders about what is truly important in our lives.  Among them was the need to connect to others, to help people when you are able and how many of the true joys in our lives come from very simple little things, which in many instances cost little to nothing at all.  I hope that all of you take time on a consistent basis to appreciate the multitude of beauty that is already part of your life, even as unexciting as it may seem.  Remember that witnessing a beautiful morning sunrise or a spectacular sunset with someone to watch it with you as a bonus, can make for a joy filled day.  Finally, also pay attention to the colors that you see between the leaves, the clouds and the stars, along with other nature views that we all may take for granted.  There is beauty all around us, we just have to train our eyes to see it.  Finally, take a moment to appreciate all of the wonders of nature, especially when you find a moment that can easily take your breath away as it fills your heart to the rim with gratitude for having been a witness to it.     

Hope

One of the things which can happen in our lives on different occasions is that we sometimes have to contend with trials or tribulations that were unexpected. Think about the instances when someone has an injury or suffers the loss of a loved one, we are then thrown into a tailspin as we try to pick up the pieces, after assessing where we are and how we will move forward. We see it happen more often than not, when you take a glimpse at the news and you realize a sudden tragedy has occurred as folks try to navigate not only their fragile emotions, along with making sense of something that was not planned and caused much pain. I for one try not looking at the news at the end of the evening, just so that I don't have those last images or messages in my head before going to sleep. If you follow any type of social media, one is already bombarded with all of these stories and breaking news events throughout the day. Hence, I save the recorded news casts to watch at my time intervals, so that I have a better sense of managing all that goes on around me. However, the item that I wanted to focus on in this column was on how to not lose hope and keep it alive despite the circumstances you may find yourself in. One of the definitions of hope that I found indicates the following; to cherish a desire with anticipation: to want something to happen or be true. When you look at examples of people around the world who were champions of this emotion, one can point to folks who were steadfast in their belief that their circumstance would ultimately change or they sought the silver lining in the storm that they were part of. You also have many folks whose anchor of emotion is tied to their faith as they see it going hand-in-hand. When I am most amazed by some great examples of hope, it is when you hear a person fully resigned to the fact that they will be seeking the positive which can come after having survived a monumental tragedy. Think about the folks that may have exemplified this in your life. For me I have lots of great examples in the people who formed me, such as my own grandmother and mother. They at different periods in their life faced many difficult obstacles that would have deflated anyone or would have caused a prolonged lack of hope. However, what they showed the world and myself was that we need to have a spirit of perseverance, despite how low you may feel. Although life can knock anyone down, I was given the example that I should never simply give up on anything that I believe in. I am sure many of you in your own families have countless similar examples and the legacy of strength which was passed on to you to learn from was to keep that flame of hope alive for others to see. Hence, the examples are usually all around us, if we pay enough attention. Those heroes who may not have sought attention and preferred to do things quietly, are perfect illustrations of the shining lights which continue to illuminate our path. We must always remember that dark periods are not permanent and by keeping hope alive, you will be able to get through these and other challenging periods of your life. Remind yourself of your personal family heroes or perhaps your immediate circle of support who have inspired you through their resilient actions. I am sure that by looking at this list of folks periodically, it can help motivate and remind you of the ability to survive and anticipate your personal clearing ahead. Cheers to hope and for you to keep it alive among your loved ones, as all of us need it as part of our ongoing journey. The smallest amount of it in you will continue to blossom like a planted flower and eventually you will experience the beauty which comes from having this flourishing trait in all circumstances.    

Dads

For the past several weeks, on the days I drive to work I end up waiting at this stoplight where I have seen what appears to be a young dad along with his toddler son waiting for a bus on a bench.  The pair have intrigued me, because it seems they are on a schedule heading somewhere early in the morning and I consistently catch them at that same time patiently waiting.  The toddler who is playing with his small tablet with one hand, holds on to his dad's pant leg with the other.  The dad tenderly plays with his son, while he peers down the street to see if their bus is on the way.  This has been a quick snapshot scene for me over several weeks and as I continue on my morning's journey, I think about how much I admire this young dad managing his important role all while contending with public transportation and who knows what else as a young father.  As I observe what appears to be a dedicated young dad making his way in the world with his child in tow, I admire that he demonstrates much care and attention for his son.  It has also made me contemplate even more the role of fathers and what it is that they end up teaching their children through the course of raising them.  We often hear about dads who are either absent or work so much that they miss a lot of the transformative years with their own children.  When you think about adults who did not have the best childhood, one typically hears of the lack of a strong parental figure as being part of the root cause.  I have also heard personal stories of people who blamed their insecurities or other issues due to lack of adequate parental guidance.  Although I can easily understand why someone's troubled younger years could be tied to a lack of a responsible and present parent, I believe as an adult we must all be able to put any resentment to rest.   We all have the ability to change the future path in our own lives even when we may not have gotten the best beginning.  I also think about the many hurdles’ fathers face, such as the one I keep running into at this bus stop and wonder what it will be like for this young child when he is grown up and remembers the early morning bus trips with his dad.  Such as the values and morals that his father taught him.  I can only hope that the young boy grows up to be as responsible as his father appears to be and that the life lessons he was taught will live long after he is grown.  For many of us, it is the simple things that we did with our fathers that we tend to remember most when we think back to happy moments in our lifetime.  Perhaps when you took a trip somewhere or a special outing where you can remember their joy and laughter.  In my case, I worked on the weekends alongside my dad and the value of hard work still is with me to this day.  In addition, although he knew nothing about the sport of tennis which I played in high school and college, he showed up to my sports banquets and was a proud parent at both my high school and college graduations.  I know for sure that for all of the stories that we hear about absent fathers, there are plenty of examples of those dads that were present, nurturing and dedicated while doing the best that they knew how in raising their kids.  I won't even mention the many dads who raised children that were not even their own as my dad did, as that can be another column all by itself.  Then I am lucky to have some close friends who exemplify being a great dad and some now even beaming grandfathers, who are equally as proud of their grandkids as they are of their children.  I love seeing these examples all around me and although I would hope that someone would highlight their great personal achievements, I am left to writing this column as an homage to all of those dedicated men who quietly exemplified the role of a leader in their children's lives.  Today I will simply say thank you to the many fathers who did their best in raising responsible and loving children, without being in the limelight as they quietly glowed with pride and just loved their kids while many eyes were not watching them.  To the many dedicated fathers around the world, cheers to you and to the work you have done as the first example of what a true leader does. 

“The heart of a father is the masterpiece of nature.”
― Prevost Abbe

Adding Value to Others

After going over preparations for an upcoming conference I am speaking at, I was left contemplating what my process has been when these events transpire.  My initial recollection went quickly to the first time I was asked to speak and I can recall doing a lot of preparation and nervously getting through the material, while hoping I did not bore anyone or see anyone falling asleep in front of me.  I can laugh about that now, however, I still get a rush of butterflies right before I begin and then I decide that whatever comes out of my mouth will be a surprise to the audience along with myself.   I know that this may sound unconventional for many, however, what I can rely upon are my life experiences which I can recall in any given situation.  As a result, I would like to believe that I can add value to a discussion topic when given the opportunity.  However, if you were to ask me about the topics or stories I discussed, I would not be able to tell you.  The reason is, as soon as my discussion was completed, I let it all go.  The release of that is my version of a natural high as the energy which is needed to get through a presentation transforms me in the process.  My ultimate hope in all of these occasions is that I am able to connect to folks in an audience, who will ultimately get my message.  When I think back to myself attending conferences or seminars as a younger person, it was easier to retain information which had both a personal and professional aspect to the subject matter.  Hence, I have always remembered those experiences and through the course of my career, I write and present material when given the opportunity with both of these things in mind.  Finding my voice to speak from took some time, as I tried different ways to address an audience.  What I learned early on was that flash cards or notes on paper in front of me made me lose my place in connecting, because I was busy looking down and reading.  I know that this works well for many speakers, however, what I came to realize in my delivery was that I needed to tell a short story which was relatable.  In doing so, I could see people laughing or nodding their head along with me, through my telling of some of my stumbles through the course of my life.  I learned similarly that a moment of a story which I heard or read about, had the same impetus for me to want to address it via a column in which I dived into it further. My process appears to take longer at times due to ongoing editing which is needed, before I can publish something that I feel comfortable with.  I also looked back at some old posts and immediately wanted to edit archived articles, because I saw something else, I needed to change.  However, I did stop myself from doing that and have embraced self-forgiveness in this writing process, as I know I am far from being perfect and the core message still remains.  I have learned from writing along with reading other blogs, that there is a sense of community of people outside our immediate circles, which may have similar thoughts and interests that generate contemplation as we go about our daily lives.  Because I have been enhanced by so many others, including great authors on various subjects, I too share with them the need to give back.  From John Maxwell, one of my favorite authors, I learned this topic about adding value to others.  Whether it is with some form of life advice or through the retelling of a story which someone may not have heard, we can share and possibly enhance someone's life in the process.  Even if it were for just a few minutes, we can have a great impact on others in leading a more fulfilled existence.  I constantly look for material that inspires me or nurtures my own life in a certain way.  This is what I attempt to accomplish when putting words on this medium, to connect with others who I may not see or hear from on a consistent basis, yet, I know they are out there.  Therefore, remember to follow what you are most passionate about.  When doing an activity which does not feel like work or a struggle to complete, you will realize that you have a passion for something and you may find like-minded people around you who share in your experience.  Always look forward to learning something new, as we all are lifelong learners until we conclude our journey on this earth.  Practice having gratitude for all things big and small.  Remember to give back along the way and when you notice someone who needs some help, lend them a hand.   All of us can recall someone who may have done this for us throughout our lives, so think about paying it forward.  I hope your journey continues to be filled with great experiences, as you find like-minded people who may be part of your circle of support and that you continue to add value to everyone around you in the process.